Boom
by SunnyDAndRum
Summary: It was the aftermath of the wreck that scared Kendall the most. Kames and Cargan.
1. The Crash

**A/N new Kames fic yay! :D and the plagiarizing has stopped, so… maybe this will be more than one chapter. MAYBE! Lol :D**

**Also, while reading this chapter, I suggest you go on YouTube and listen to "12 – Alexi Murdoch". Without that song, this story wouldn't exist! It's been my muse. :)**

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"I'll see you back at 2J."

Kendall leaned into the car and kissed James softly, knowing his boyfriend was near sleep and knowing that he needed it after a long day of harmonizing.

"Will you be long?" James asked sleepily.

Kendall shook his head with a smile. "I'm just gonna go get a prescription for my allergies and pick up the meds before spring really hits," he told James quietly. "Then I'll be right there beside you, okay? Don't wait up."

James nodded, and his eyes slid shut. Kendall stroked the hair off his forehead and smiled at Logan and Carlos.

"Please don't let him wait up."

"We'll try our best," Logan said. "But you know James."

"Yeah." Kendall smiled. "I do."

If Kendall had known what would next transpire, he would have wrenched his friends and boyfriend from the car and made them come to the chemist with him. If he'd known, he might have kissed James harder, trying to impress some comfort before he even needed it.

But Kendall didn't know.

And Kendall couldn't fix everything.

* * *

"Thanks," Kendall said as he grabbed his allergy medicine off the counter and headed to the car. Mrs. Knight smiled at him from the front seat.

"All done?"

"Yeah. Let's go home." Kendall was anxious to be with James, who was undoubtedly either asleep or waiting up for him. It didn't matter; Kendall just liked being with him. He looked in the rear view mirror and found Katie asleep in the back seat. He smiled.

"Looks like James wasn't the only one exhausted from today," he said, in reference to Katie's numerous auditions for a part in a TV show, anything, so long as Bitters would let her stay in the Palm Woods school.

Kendall took out his phone and dialed James' number, wanting to hear his voice. A cold feeling had settled in the pit of his stomach, and he shrunk into the seat. Once he heard James' voice, he would be fine, he decided.

"_Hey! This is James Diamond, The Face and resident champion of Biohazard Blast Four, Kendall Knight's boyfriend, and I can't come to the phone right now! Leave a message and I'll get back to you when my busy schedule lets me."_

_James,_ Kendall thought with a smile, shaking his head at the answer machine message. He decided not to leave a message and stared out the front window.

He was beginning to nod off when he heard sirens.

Kendall opened his eyes.

Red strobes were lighting up the highway ahead of them, lighting up the highway and the cars. The cars, which were flipped over and slammed into an oil tanker, the cars which were missing doors and windows and glass, the cars which were crushed beyond recognition, the cars that had people in them, people that were screaming.

Kendall had flung the door open even before Mrs. Knight had stopped her own car; he hit the pavement hard, felt the shock jolt up through his ankles as he scrambled upright and ran towards the wreck, stopping short of the oil tanker.

Oil.

Oil was flammable.

There was fire everywhere. Glass glittering like tiny diamonds against the black backdrop of the tarmac. The metal of the cars glinted hotly and ferociously in the light, reflecting Kendall's face right back at him, terrified and pale.

"JAMES!"

The scream wrenched its way from his throat before he had even realised what had happened; He scanned the area desperately, heart thudding a staccato beat in his chest, head swimming, concentration blown to hell by this scene of destruction. He thought wildly for a moment – _maybe James got home, he should be home by now, maybe he's just asleep and that's why he didn't answer the phone, he's probably safe in bed and I'm just overreacting _– and then Kendall saw it.

The van that had contained the camera crew for shooting their new music video lay half tipped over, leaning against a BMW on an insane angle, the drivers' side windows pointing towards the concrete, dangerously close to the oil tanker, all the windows smashed. Kendall could see the driver in the front seat, eyes glazed over, blood splattered over the windshield.

Kendall was almost too afraid to look into the front seat where James had been; he was afraid of what he would find there, afraid that he would find James dead and slumped like the driver, afraid that it would be James mangled beyond belief when the last image Kendall had of his boyfriend was him resting peacefully in that very same spot. Kendall didn't want to look but his panic forced his eyes every which way, taking in the briefest flashes of imagery that he would never forget.

James' seat was empty.

Kendall put a hand over his mouth and choked with relief. James's seat was empty. That meant James had either gotten out of the car before impact – not likely – or James had managed to crawl out of the car after impact. Which meant James could still be hurt, somewhere, disoriented.

The thought did nothing to comfort Kendall, who felt his panic levels rise until he was choking on the air around him, tasting the smoke and feeling it cloud his lungs and hearing people's screams echoing through his ears. It wasn't just Big Time Rush's van that had been hit; there were ten other cars here, on the road, all in various states of annihilation.

"JAMES!"

His mother went to grab his arm but Kendall tore free, heading for the van, feeling his shoes stick to the concrete. He didn't know whether it was blood binding him down or whether it was oil from the tanker or the sticky petrol from cars; all he knew was that that van was missing a passenger and that that passenger was his boyfriend who he loved and who he'd almost lost once already to a rapist and he wasn't gonna let this happen, not in a million fucking years, not as long as he lived, not as long as there was still air in his God-given lungs-

"James!"

Kendall saw, to his horror, that although James' seat was empty, it couldn't have been because James had escaped the wreck. The door was warped beyond recognition, as was the driver's side door. The windshield was blown outwards, but there was too much glass for anyone to have crawled out from there.

Kendall searched for an explanation, a reason, as to why James wasn't in the seat when he couldn't have possibly escaped from any of the front windows. He realised he was standing on the passenger's side and that the oil was beginning to stink and he didn't know if it was because the fire was getting closer or because he was getting more and more afraid with every second that ticked by without knowing what had happened to James.

And then he saw it.

A flash of chestnut in the side mirror had him racing around to the other side of the van, and he stopped for a moment, unable to believe his eyes.

James was halfway out the rear window, one arm braced against the thin windowsill of the van, the other searching for a handhold to get himself out. The lights from police cars and the recently arrived ambulances lit up James' face.

There was blood everywhere.

"James, James, oh my God, James." Kendall suddenly became aware of the whimpers tearing themselves from his throat, already abused from all the screaming, and he rushed forward. He barely got close enough to see properly when James' arm tightened around his neck, finally finding the handhold he sought so desperately.

"Put your other arm around my neck," Kendall instructed shakily.

"Kendall," James mumbled.

"I've got you, I've got you," Kendall chanted as he coaxed James' arm down around his shoulders. James wriggled slightly and Kendall began to pull his boyfriend through the window slowly, not wanting to do any more damage than what James had already apparently suffered in the impact.

James slipped limply from the window, and Kendall grabbed his boyfriend's thighs with each hand, guiding them up around his waist. It was an awkward position but not one he wasn't familiar with; now wasn't the time to think about that, though. He carried James away, feeling the wet stickiness of James' blood against the side of his neck.

"Kendall, hurts."

"I've got you, James."

He set James down and saw that the paramedics were already heading for the van, and felt confident that they would rescue Carlos and Logan as well, who had been in the back. He turned his attention to James.

"What hurts?"

"Everything."

"Be specific."

But Kendall didn't need James to speak to see that the inner thigh of James' left leg was torn and scratched like a wild animal had been at it for a good while; blood was pumping through the torn skin at an alarming rate, soaking his jeans.

Kendall unzipped his sweatshirt and bundled it, placing it against James' thigh and applying pressure. James hissed and closed his eyes. James' disorientation and sluggishness suddenly made sense to Kendall; his boyfriend was losing blood.

A lot of blood.

A lot of blood very fast.

"How did you get this?"

"The window." James shook his head confusedly, staring up at Kendall through eyes that had blood all around them and dripping into them. "I tried the front windshield. I got cut."

"You tried the front windshield first?"

"Yeah." James wrapped an arm around Kendall's neck and pulled him close. James was shivering. Kendall tied off the sweatshirt.

"James, we have to get you to an ambulance. You're bleeding out, really fast. We need to stem the blood."

"Okay."

Kendall lifted James up and began to stagger over to one of the many waiting ambulances. James shivered in his arms and when he laid his head against Kendall's shoulder, his forehead pressing to the side of Kendall's jaw, Kendall could feel how cold and clammy he was.

He put James down on a stretcher that was provided and hurried to keep up as it was wheeled away. The paramedics didn't object when he climbed in with them, pulling out his phone. He messaged Mrs. Knight to let her know he was heading to the hospital with James.

"Alright, kid, what's your name?"

"James Diamond," James mumbled, searching for Kendall's hand beneath a blanket. He found it and stilled, looking around with glassy eyes.

"Birthday?"

"January 27th, 1994."

"Where did you grow up?"

"Minnesota."

"And your current address?"

"I live at the Palm Woods. 2J."

The paramedic cut off the leg of James' jeans and applied a pressure pad while another flashed a penlight into James' honey-gray eyes. James flinched from the light, but not before Kendall had the chance to see both pupils constrict evenly.

"He's lost a lot of blood," the first paramedic said, continuing to press on James' thigh. "He's gonna need a transfusion as soon as we get to the hospital. What's his blood type?"

It took Kendall a second to realise the question was directed at him, and he had to swallow and clear his throat before responding, "A positive."

"What's your blood type, kid? He needs it straight away, depending on the type we can give yours to him.

"I'm A negative, is that a match?" Kendall asked desperately. James' hand was trembling weakly within his own, like a broken baby bird, and Kendall was desperate to help.

"It's a match. Are you a virgin?"

"Yes," Kendall lied, because the only person he'd ever had sex with was James, so what did it matter? Any disease either of them had now belonged to the other.

"Normally we'd test it but we can't afford to under these conditions," the paramedic said, beginning to set up a weird-looking machine. "Right, what we're going to do is transfer the blood directly from you and into him."

"Okay, alright."

Kendall was vaguely aware of a needle poking into his arm barely a minute later, too busy watching his blood flow through the machine and into James, who had broken into a cold sweat. The pressure bandage had turned a bright red, suggesting to Kendall that maybe an artery was severed, but if so wouldn't James have died much sooner?

"Kendall?" James questioned, teeth clicking together. _He must be cold._

"I'm right here."

"Did you do something stupid?"

"No," Kendall said. "Just saved your life."

James smiled painfully, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. "I suppose that's not so stupid," he said faintly. "I really don't feel all that well."

"I know, James."

"My head hurts. So does my leg."

"Just relax, you're gonna be fine."

James squeezed his hand and closed his eyes. Kendall wanted to beg him to stay awake, but decided instead on kissing James' hand discreetly while the paramedics were practically yelling into their transmitters. Kendall had never been in an ambulance before.

All he knew about ambulances was that they took his father to hospital and his father was dead upon arrival. That was all he knew.

And all he really knew now was that James was still shaking like a leaf and that Kendall himself was feeling faint from the lack of blood.

The only thing that fuelled him on was knowing that his blood was the only thing keeping James alive.

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**A/N good? Bad? A pathetic excuse for more kames angst? I'm gonna try and have more Cargan in this story (the oneshot is halfway written already). Please please PLLEEEEAAASSEEE review! Flames will be used to make s'mores, and plagiarizing will be met with EXTREME RAGE. **

**And thanks to all you guys who wished me luck on my exams. Only two to go! :D**


	2. Awakening

**A/N thanks for all the amazing reviews on the first chapter! Okay, there's not much about Logan and Carlos in this chapter but the next will have more of them in there, kk? **

**Despite the fact that I like James, then Kendall, and then Carlos, and then Logan, the real life Logan Henderson has become my second favourite :D his obsession with ring pops rivals my own! Also, Kendall's eyebrows have a habit of jumping out and scaring me half to death halfway through an episode. I think it's just a normal episode and I'm perving on James maslow and then BAM KENDALL'S EYEBROWS JUMP OUT OF NOWHERE AND SCARE ME HALF TO DEATH!**

**:D**

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James knew nothing.

James knew nothing except the pain in his thigh and he wondered in a vague, terrified confusion what had happened. He could only remember the sound of screeching metal and Kendall's worried face and the smell of something burning.

James was scared.

"Kendall?" he pleaded, and he felt a hand take his. Nonsense words washed over him and he didn't know what was being said but knew that it was Kendall's voice saying it, and judged by that that the words were sweet little nothings meant to calm him down, but he didn't understand and he was moving, and the last thing he remembered before the crash was moving.

Crash!

James remembered and almighty boom, saw the tanker skid to a halt, saw other cars bursting into fiery, quick deaths, felt the van tumble, heard Carlos and Logan yell and saw the blood of their driver splat against the front windshield and felt glass cut deeply into his forehead and reminded himself that head wounds always bleed a lot when he felt the blood seeping down his face.

"Kendall," James moaned.

"It's fine, I'm here, I'm here, I've got you, James, you'll be fine."

James felt himself slipping.

* * *

_Everything's dark and blurry and I wonder if this is what it's like when you're a baby and you haven't been born yet_

"James, come on, don't do this, it'll be fine!"

_Kendall kissed me twenty seven times in two hours yesterday and I felt every single one like it was going to be my last and I love him_

"Heart rate's dropping, he's going into shock-"

The sound of wheels bounced around. Kendall's voice, panicked, in his ear, a warm hand holding his, James lost his grip on reality again, drugs pounding his system, making him weak, leaving him shivering like a newborn kitten.

_I shared a bed with Kendall for sixty seven nights and we didn't have to fight over the covers because we were happy being together and in that same bed we made love twenty four times and that's a lot of love_

"James. JAMES!"

"Kendall, stop yelling, you're disturbing everyone else-"

"Mom?"

_There's wet on my face and it kind of reminds me of the storm a month ago when Kendall and I made love under a tree at five in the morning and everything smelled like rain and maybe it's like then and I'm sinking into the earth and maybe they'll look for me but then again maybe they won't and I'll be lost forever_

"James, don't you dare."

"Kendall, he'll be fine."

"Can't you see him, Mom? He's in pain!"

_This is almost like that time I was at the club and that guy spiked my drink and I felt so sick and I was so scared but Kendall wasn't there and he's here now_

"Heart rate's unsteady but strong."

"Nurse, prepare some morphine…"

"He hates that shit! Don't even think-"

"Sir, if you continue to make this racket we're going to have to ask you to leave."

_Nestled into Kendall's shirt is almost the same as nestling into tangible safety and all I want is for him to hold me and I'm nearing the end of journey does this mean I'm dying_

"Alright, nurse, he's stopped thrashing so much. Give him the needle while you still can while we wheel him into surgery."

"Yes, doctor."

"Will he be okay?"

"I don't know, son."

_Save me_

"I love you, James."

_A soft kiss on my head_

"I'll be waiting when you wake up."

_There's a bright light at the end of the tunnel and help is on the way._

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Kendall was still covered with James' blood when they wheeled him into the operating theatre, ranting in medical terms Kendall didn't understand that Logan would have. Katie was holding his shirt with both hands, tears slipping down her normally impassive, intelligent face, shaking like a leaf at the thought of losing James.

"He'll be fine, Kendall," Mrs. Knight said.

"Mom, didn't you see him? He's in so much pain."

"He was distressed because he didn't know what was going on," Mrs. Knight soothed.

"Oh my God, Carlos and Logan," Kendall said, turning to her. "Are they okay too? What happened there?"

"I'm not sure, baby, I'm not sure," Mrs. Knight murmured. "The doctors are refusing to update me because I'm not family. I called theirs down here straight away so we could figure out what's going on, but I haven't seen either."

"Did you call James' family?"

"Yes, of course, sweetie."

The doors opened and Mr. and Mrs. Diamond walked through, looking upset. They saw Kendall and headed straight for him; Mrs. Diamond wrapped him in a hug immediately, squeezing him and stroking his hair.

"Oh, Kendall, honey, I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"There would have been no sense in you getting hurt as well, dear." James' mother was a very, well, motherly person, the kind that called everyone "dear" or "sweetie" or "honey", no matter their age or gender. She had always treated Kendall like a son and nothing had changed upon Kendall and James announcing their relationship to her two months ago.

"Where is he?" Mr. Diamond asked.

"He was just wheeled into surgery," Mrs. Knight said.

"He's not hurt that badly!" Kendall hurried to assure them. "He's got a really big gash in his thigh, he tore it up trying to get through the window. I donated blood to him, they said he needed it right away and our blood types matched – how did you get here so fast?"

"Well, we were already on the way, sweetie," Mrs. Diamond said, still rubbing his back anxiously, as if expecting him to break down into tears any second. "We wanted to pay him a surprise visit. We were at the airport when you called us."

"So now we wait," Mrs. Knight sighed.

"Now we wait," Mr. Diamond agreed.

They sat down in waiting chairs, and Kendall realised it was almost dawn.

* * *

"CARLOS!"

"Someone restrain this kid, he's gonna hurt himself if he keeps struggling – kid, we're trying to help you, you've gotta calm down."

"Carlos! Carlos, can you hear me?"

"Severe concussion. We're going to have to sedate him for a while, just to keep him calm. How's the other boy?"

"We've got a pulse but it's weak."

"Get him down to ICU."

"No, no, CARLOS! Where are you taking him?"

"We're trying to look after you, son."

"I'm not your son!"

* * *

Kendall had almost fallen asleep with his head on his mother's lap when the doctor exited the two doors at the end of the hallway, carrying a clipboard. Kendall lifted his eyelids tiredly and began to sit up, not wanting to appear weak in a stranger's eyes.

"James Diamond?" the doctor called.

Kendall dragged himself off the bench with the rest of the little clan gathered at the end of the benches, a clan that included himself, his sister, his mother, and the Diamonds.

"How is he?" Mrs. Diamond asked.

"James is still unconscious," the doctor said. "He came through the surgery beautifully. He's got fifteen stitches for the gash in his thigh and two in his forehead to stop the scalp bleeding. However, we did have to operate further, as there was glass in his back as well as his thigh that could still pose a threat. We got all of it, but infection is still a risk, so we've got him on some strong antibiotics. He's in recovery right now, but we'll be moving him to a ward within the hour."

"So he'll be okay?"

"He should be fine," the doctor said, smiling at Kendall. "Are you the young man who donated blood?"

"Yes."

"You saved his life, son. He never would have made it without that blood. I'd stick around – he may need some more, depending on how his recovery goes."

Kendall nodded anxiously.

"How are Carlos Garcia and Logan Mitchell?" Mrs. Knight asked.

The doctor shook his head. "I'm sorry. I really have no idea. I'm just the specialist that's been assigned to James. Even if I knew, I wouldn't be at any liberty to tell you."

Kendall sank into a chair, so relieved he thought he was going to faint. Mrs. Diamond sat next to him, and Kendall finally let the tears out, sobbing quietly into her shoulder.

_I thought I'd lost him again._

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James came to in the manner an elderly person crosses the street on a walking frame – slowly but surely. At first all he was aware of was a darkness behind his eyelids.

He then became aware of a soft mattress beneath him and a pillow behind his head. The back of his hand ached and his thigh burned with a pain that radiated outward from the site of the wound, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been during the crash.

Something was over his face and for a moment he panicked, lifting a hand to take it away, but someone caught that hand and held it gently, kissing the back.

"Hey, James."

"Kendall," James whispered, his voice throaty and hoarse. He lifted his eyelids up and saw a blurry Kendall hovering above his head.

Kendall smiled at him.

"I told you I'd be right here when you woke up," he said, pressing a kiss to James' forehead, stroking his hair back.

James vaguely remembered the promise from a sea of panic and fear and pain, and vaguely remembered a few other disjointed thoughts. His brain felt fuzzy and his eyes weren't working properly, as if they were covered with a film of white. He blinked but it didn't help, and he looked at his hand; there was an IV inserted in his arm.

"Oh yeah," he said faintly. His voice sounded strange and he realised with a flash that he was wearing an oxygen mask; he felt a stab of fear and wondered if he was dying. But if he were dying, wouldn't Kendall be crying?

Kendall's voice drew his attention again, which was wandering.

"Welcome back, James."

"Where am I?" Everything he had realised in the last five minutes was dropping away like sand in a sieve. It was hopeless trying to recall any of the information, it just made his head hurt, and he knew Kendall wouldn't let any harm come to him.

"The hospital. No, no, don't take that off. I suppose it's there for a reason… even if it's not a good one." Kendall smiled but it was strained, and James squeezed his hand feebly. He was so tired, but he needed to stay awake, for Kendall.

"Does your leg hurt?" Kendall asked, berating himself for selfishly wanting to keep James awake.

James nodded, eyes drifting around the room. James was still pale and Kendall wondered if more blood would help with this complete confusion James seemed to be experiencing. He reached up and pressed the call button, watching James' eyes track him sluggishly.

"Just go to sleep," Kendall said, stroking James' hair in what he hoped was a soothing manner. "I'll be right here when you wake up."

James nodded and knew nothing.

* * *

When he awoke again, sunlight was beaming through the window of his room and consciousness was much easier coming than the first time. To his relief, he felt relatively alert and rested, though still sore and disoriented.

He was alarmed to find Kendall slumped over the edge of his bed, head resting near James' chest and still holding his hand. Upon looking up and seeing a bag of blood hanging on the IV pole beside him, James realised in a panic he had no idea how much time had passed since the crash.

As if sensing his boyfriend in distress, Kendall stirred and opened his eyes. He squeezed James' hand and looked up at him.

"Morning," Kendall mumbled.

"What day is it?" James demanded, feeling panicky.

"It's uh… Sunday. So… it's been about a day and a half since the crash. You've been in and out of sleep the entire time. Nightmares. Me and your parents have been taking shifts, but I think I got most of your lucid moments."

"I'm lucid now," James pointed out.

Kendall smiled tiredly. "True." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to James' dry lips, relieved to feel James respond in kind. Things were about to get heated when James hissed.

"My leg hurts!"

"Yeah… they had to take you off the morphine. Said you would get addicted if you were on it much longer," Kendall yawned.

"Whose blood is that?"

"Mine. You lost a lot of it in the impact and a lot in surgery too, apparently, and I'm a compatible donor."

That he had Kendall's life force running through his veins as they spoke – that Kendall was willing to give up that very life force for him – brought tears to James' eyes. He began to wipe at them but before he could, Kendall was kissing them away, sitting on the bed and rubbing his back soothingly. James realised it was bare, and recognized that he was wearing a hospital gown. He blushed despite everything, despite the fact that Kendall had seen him naked too many times to really give an accurate measure.

"You're fine," Kendall said.

"Oh my God – Logan and Carlos!"

"Yeah," Kendall said uncomfortably.

"They were in the van with me… I tried to wake them up and Logan told me to get out of there and Carlos didn't answer… and I did and I just… Kendall, how are they?"

_How to break the news_? Kendall worried.

"Uh," he said quietly, "they think Logan will be fine. He uh… he busted up his shoulder and leg, so he's out of commission for a while… his parents are with him now. He doesn't want to see me. I don't know why."

"And Carlos?"

"Carlos is in a coma. They don't know when he'll wake up."

"But he'll wake up, right?"

Kendall said nothing.

"Oh my God," James choked out. "Oh my God. No, no, no. Kendall! Fuck! He's gonna wake up! Don't just stand there, get the fuck out an tell the doctors to do their jobs! What are they even being paid for?"

"James, they saved your life," Kendall whispered, grasping both James' hands within his own. "Without the doctors you wouldn't be here, you had massive bleeding, you nicked an artery, there was blood everywhere… there were fifty people involved in that wreck and only thirteen survived, and you, Logan and Carlos are three of those thirteen."

"I remember now," James murmured. "It was a head-on collision. The guy in front of us was drunk… we were making fun of him. And he went straight through the intersection. He got slammed by a white Ford. The oil tanker was behind the Ford and couldn't slow down in time… it plowed into both of them and the cars on the other side of the road and across from the oil tanker didn't have time to react. We slammed into the BMW. We were all okay until another car came screaming through the intersection and slammed into us."

"After that?"

"I don't remember anything after that, just that I was conscious for a while."

"The driver survived."

"He what?"

"The driver that caused the wreck, he survived. He's paralysed from the neck down."

"Good," James spat. He didn't like the anger, the hurt, the sorrow, bubbling up in his throat, and he didn't seem to need to convey to Kendall that he was going to be sick. Kendall held his hair back as he vomited violently into a kidney pan.

"What's that doing here?" James asked, wiping his mouth shakily.

"Morphine doesn't agree with you," Kendall said, wrinkling his nose.

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**A/N I cried while writing this chapter. T.T reviews are luff? :) thanks for reading!**


	3. Infection

**A/N thanks so much to all the fantastic reviews! I nearly explode every time I see I have one! And oh my god, the amount of favourites and alerts! I was like O.O**

**ALSO, MY EXAMS ARE OVER! I don't have school until February next year now, BUT I do have work (Fridays and Saturdays) so there probably won't be updates on either of those days. **

**LET THE CHAPTER BEGIN!**

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Kendall woke up the next morning still slumped over the side of James' bed, to a nurse that must have had the overwhelming urge to check James' temperature RIGHT THEN. He straightened with the realization that he was going to have a bad back by the time he was twenty if he kept this up.

James was still asleep, and as he watched, the nurse quickly inserted an ear thermometer. James didn't stir, and Kendall was simultaneously relieved and worried; James despised cold things, part of why he fit in at the Palm Woods so well, and had the thermometer been cold, he should have been awake straight away. Kendall felt a stab of fear; James was exhausted. That much was clear to him. He had never seen his boyfriend so tired before.

The nurse frowned as she removed the thermometer, and Kendall sat up straighter in an effort to look dependable and trustworthy. "What's wrong with him?" he asked.

"He's got a fever, most likely from infection," the nurse said. "We need to get this down right away. I'm going to get his parents and the doctor, sweetie, you just stay here in case he wakes up."

"I'm not going anywhere," Kendall said, but she was gone.

He moved to sit on James' bed, looking up. The blood he'd donated was almost completely depleted, the bag hanging rather sadly and empty. James himself had broken into a cold sweat, his bangs sticking to his forehead and his eyebrows drawn together.

"It's okay," Kendall soothed, hoping the words made their way into James' dreams somehow. He smoothed a hand over James' brow, pushed his hair back. "It's okay."

He could feel the heat rising off James' face and knew that the nurse was right and that they had to get it down, because he remembered Logan saying that infection was the worst thing a recovering surgery patient could face, and what if it wasn't just the cut? What if inside the cut was the problem? Would they have to operate again?

"Kendall?" James murmured.

"Hey, good morning," Kendall said, forcing a smile and pressing a kiss to James' lips. His boyfriend responded half heartedly, tiredly, and barely cracked his eyes open before seeming to decide he was too tired and closing them again.

"What's wrong with me?" James asked.

"You have an infection," Kendall said, sagging. The nurse went to get your parents and the doctor. They're probably gonna kick me out for a little while to sit with you."

"That's okay," James mumbled. "You need sleep."

"No I don't," Kendall denied. "So long as you're okay I don't need anything."

His stomach growled.

James smiled at him. "When my parents get here, promise me you'll go get something to eat. Bring me back some M&M's. Go see Logan and Carlos and tell me how they are. It's killing me not knowing." James settled further back into the pillow, and, upon seeing the nurse, doctor, and James' parents rushing down the hallway, Kendall pressed another kiss to James' lips, this time with a more enthusiastic response.

"They're here now," he said.

"Alright. I'll see you later, Kendall. Love you."

"Love you too." He let his hand linger on James' forehead for a moment before forcing himself to get up the leave the room. James' parents looked at him inquisitively, and he grimaced at them.

"James made me leave to go get food," he explained.

"We'll save you a seat," Mr. Diamond promised.

Kendall nodded and headed to the vending machine down the hallway. He bought some M&M's, suddenly ravenously hungry. He bought two more packets before heading down the hallway to the elevator, aiming for Logan's room. He didn't care if the smartest member of Big Time Rush wanted to see him or not, he was going, because he wasn't allowed in to see Carlos – although apparently his parents hadn't left his bedside since arriving here, while Logan had sent his home.

He knocked and entered, finding Logan sitting partially upright and awake. He glared at Kendall when he came in but didn't say anything.

"Hey, Logan. James sent me out."

That seemed to catch Logan's attention; he turned to Kendall and stared with wide eyes.

"He what?"

"He sent me out. Said I needed food."

Logan looked like he very much wanted to go back to ignoring Kendall again, but the curiosity was too much, the worry for the former love-of-his-life winning out over so many other negative emotions. Love was funny that way. "How is he?"

"He's uh… he's better than you and Carlos, but… I don't know, I woke up to a nurse checking his temperature this morning and she ran off to get a doctor. She said he had an infection and that they need to bring his temperature down."

"Infection is the worst possible thing that could happen right now," Logan said, chewing his lip. "After he's already lost so much blood…"

"Why weren't you talking to me, Logan?" Kendall asked from sudden curiosity.

"Oh." Logan looked down. "This is gonna sound stupid, but… I don't know. You're the only one who I had access to and I was just angry and I took it out on you, I guess. I'm sorry, Kendall. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just worried about Carlos."

Kendall put a hand on Logan's uninjured shoulder. "Carlos is tough. He'll be fine," Kendall said, but Logan noticed he didn't add "I promise" to the end of the sentence. Kendall was as scared for James as Logan was for Carlos.

"Yeah," Logan said.

* * *

Kendall returned to James about an hour and a half later, unable to keep himself away. James' parents were still there, looking exhausted and worried. James was arguing with them about something, a look that Kendall could only describe as bitchy on his face.

"Kendall!" James said, upon seeing his boyfriend in the doorway. "Tell them they need to go to a hotel and sleep."

"You really should sleep," Kendall said to them.

Mrs. Diamond sighed and kissed James' forehead. "Alright, we'll go get a room, sweetie," she said softly, "but we're coming back here first thing in the morning."

Mr. Diamond also kissed his son's forehead, not seeming to care that Kendall was watching, and they got up and left. Kendall had never seen two people look more exhausted, but with a pang of guilt, he realised the Garcias must look worse.

"So, how are you?" Kendall sat down on the edge of James' bed.

"Apparently I'm gonna be fighting the infection for a while," James said. "They can't give me anything else for it because I'm on the maximum safe dosage of the drug I'm already on and I'm allergic to penicillin."

"You look a bit better."

"I feel a bit better now you're here." James smiled. "Was that corny?"

"Very," Kendall said.

James smiled and Kendall let his eyes settle on the smooth, tan skin of James' back through the hospital gown. As much as he liked the view, he knew James couldn't be enjoying the draftiness of the paper-thin gown.

"Do you want me to see if I can get you some clothes?"

"I already asked. They said no."

"Why?" Kendall asked indignantly.

"Because I can't walk yet," James said. "So…"

"Oh."

James blushed and Kendall lay down beside him on the bed. There wasn't really enough room for the two of them, but Kendall could make himself fit if it meant being a few inches closer to James. He propped himself up on his side and stroked James' hair.

"Listen to me," Kendall said.

"I'm listening," James said.

"I love you. More than anything. I'm not letting this thing get you." Kendall didn't care if James himself was scared or not, but Kendall was, and it was a vain attempt to assure himself that James wasn't going anywhere. If this fever wanted to take James in the middle of the night, there was nothing he could really do about it.

"I know," James said. "I love you too."

Kendall kissed him, more passionately than what James had received from his last three days in the hospital (or maybe Kendall had been this passionate when James was unconscious the first day and a half). James kissed back, letting his hand knot into Kendall's hair.

Kendall wanted to press James back into the mattress and take him right there, but knew he couldn't. For one, James was still injured, and there was the awkward fact that James was still attached to a heart monitor – which was starting to beep faster.

Kendall pulled away, and James pouted at him.

"Why'd you stop?"

Kendall motioned to the heart monitor. "I imagine we'll have company if we keep this up much longer," he said with a smile.

"So?" James whined, pawing at Kendall's shirt. "We're hot."

"Only you could say that while lying in a hospital bed, James Diamond."

"I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking, Kendall." But James was smiling up at him, letting Kendall know that he was joking, or at least partially. Kendall couldn't remember how many times he'd had to bat people's hands away from James when they were out in public. He was one of those people that seemed to walk under his very own spotlight.

Kendall stroked James' cheekbone with his thumb and stared into his eyes – honey gray and thickly framed with eyelashes.

"You need to rest," he told James.

"I'm alright."

"James, I can practically see the heat coming off you."

"That's 'cause I'm smokin' hot."

"James."

"Alright, alright. I'll try to sleep. Will you stay until I do?"

"Of course."

And when James was just dozing off, Kendall picked up the cloth that was sitting in a bowl of water, wrung it out, and gently sponged down James' face and neck. He didn't know if James knew he was doing it, but Kendall felt thankful he'd been given this second chance to do so.

Finally, James' breathing evened out, and Kendall put the cloth back in the bowl. He kissed James' forehead and stood up.

There were things he needed to take care of.

* * *

Logan wasn't thinking about anything except Carlos.

James apparently only remembered bits and pieces of the crash, Kendall wasn't there and Carlos was in a coma. But Logan remembered. Logan remembered everything.

Logan remembered that James had only just begun to blink his eyes open when the first smash occurred. Carlos had been looking at him, smiling at him, about to lean over and kiss him, and then there'd been an almighty crunch and a boom of cars colliding and the world whited out for a while, until the wreckage settled.

_He could hear James whimpering and knew that his taller friend was going to try to crawl out the front windshield in a fit of panic; from his vantage point, he could see the glass that was going to cut James if he tried._

"_James, stop!"_

_James stopped already halfway through the windshield and began to back up. Logan would never forget seeing James' leg whole as he reversed back through the windshield and torn up when he managed to get to Logan. Logan had caused that injury. The boy he used to love and he'd caused him to be hurt. James could have easily, safely, tumbled out that way and reached the paramedics by now if it weren't for him._

"_Logan?"_

"_Go through the back window, James."_

"_But I-"_

"_James, go through the back window!"_

"_What about-"_

"_We'll be fine! Just go, James!"_

"_JAMES!" Kendall's voice split the night like a steak knife carving through softened butter, and Logan saw James choke and begin to cry. He was glad that Kendall wasn't in the wreck – maybe it meant James would get out of here sooner and get something on his leg to stop the bleeding._

"_Kendall's waiting for you, James, go, get out the window!"_

_James smashed the back window of the van and crawled up onto the sill. It was only thirty seconds before he heard Kendall's panicky whisper through the window, indistinguishable words, saw Kendall's hands manage to lift James down from the glassy edge_. _He saw James tumble out, watched Kendall stagger slightly from the added weight, saw the way he lifted James' legs around his hips to keep him steady._

"_I've got you, I've got you." Kendall's voice was crackly and weak with terror._

_Logan turned his head, despite the pain, his shoulder burning, staring at Carlos. Carlos was bleeding from the head and Logan's seatbelt was jammed, he couldn't get to him-_

"_Carlos!"_

_Logan must have lost consciousness because the next thing he knew the paramedics were cutting him free and loading him onto a stretcher. They forced the oxygen mask down over his mouth and he felt the cool air choke in his lungs, and he turned his head to see Carlos being resuscitated. _

"_CARLOS!"_

_The terror blinded him and he knew nothing._

Logan's hand clenched in the sheets of his hospital bed, and he felt raw rage and sorrow pounding through his veins like a virus.

James was okay. Kendall was there for him.

Carlos wasn't okay and Logan didn't even have the use of both hands.

He tried to remind himself that James wasn't "okay", that James was fighting infection without the ability to take penicillin, that James had a thigh that was ripped to shreds and was feeble from the blood loss.

Logan remembered that Kendall had donated his blood to James, donated over a litre of it to save James' life in the ambulance, and more later on to keep him going after surgery. Kendall had looked gaunt and pale, like he was suffering immensely, and Logan, who had seen a brief flash of James' room while being wheeled to his own, had caught sight of the bag hanging above James, as if a part of Kendall was still watching over him.

He couldn't do that for Carlos.

Carlos, who everyone said was in a coma, whom nobody would tell him anything about, whom nobody would let him see. Even though Carlos was his boyfriend.

But in the crash, the first thing on Logan's mind had been getting James out. Was he so logical that he thought to get out the only one who could move first, or was it his heart reaching out for someone that he'd desired for a very long time?

He thought he was in love with Carlos, but sometimes at night all he could think about was James, what it would feel like to have James underneath him and not the Latino boy. He wondered what Kendall felt upon seeing James naked, how he reacted – probably with smooth, delicate promises of forever and a kiss to his nose, Logan thought.

He wondered what James looked like, spread out golden and naked on the white sheets, hair haloed out behind him on the pillow. He could imagine the sounds.

These fantasies occurred with relentless regularity – Logan would just begin to think that he'd gotten over James when he would wake up, hard at the thought of his best friend moaning his name.

* * *

James was shivering again.

Kendall had done everything he could think of, everything the nurses suggested, to keep James warm, but nothing seemed to stave off the chills. The nurses said it was because the fever was breaking after being present for a day and a half, but Kendall wasn't convinced that this much shaking could mean anything good.

James was wrapped in blankets, shivering violently with Kendall spooned up behind him, rubbing his arms.

"This means your fever's breaking, apparently."

"It's not so nice," James stammered, teeth clicking together. "I think I'd rather deal with the fever."

"No fever means no infection which means going home sooner, though," Kendall said, pressing a kiss to James' sweaty temple.

"How's Carlos?" All Day, James' head had been jumping from train to train of thought. He was unable to focus on one thing for too long, and Kendall was having a hard time keeping up with the conversation.

"His vitals are getting better," Kendall said, moving to stroke James' back. He swallowed upon seeing the smooth, bare skin, facing towards him, and shifted away so James wouldn't feel his hard-on. James had survived without sex for a week when Kendall came down with the flu, and it was the least Kendall could do to control himself around his injured boyfriend.

James didn't answer, sighing and closing his eyes. He loved the feeling of Kendall's warm hand smoothing circles between his shoulder blades, loved how safe and secure it made him feel. He was content to rest and wait through the fever so long as Kendall was here.

"Can I go see Logan soon?"

"I'll ask the doctor."

"Thanks, Kendall," James replied sleepily.

* * *

Kendall woke that night to find James' forehead pressed to his collarbone, pleasantly cool and devoid of sweat. James was no longer shaking but heaving with sighing breaths in his sleep; Kendall hugged James closer with relief.

"I'm glad you're okay," he told James. He knew James was asleep, knew James couldn't hear him, but it comforted him to know he'd said it. He could still see the images of broken, twisted cars and bodies and blood flashing across his retinas from the nightmare that had almost taken from him; he knew the night would come that he would dream about that wreck and see James' lifeless body hanging in the passenger seat.

He shuddered and pressed himself closer to James, wishing he could entangle their legs and knowing that doing so would hurt his boyfriend. The shadows in the room took on dark, sinister shapes, and Kendall squeezed his eyes shut.

James' arm came up around his neck just as he thought he might go insane from the pressure building in his head and attempting to exit throughout his eyes. Kendall knew he was overreacting, that he was just tired, that James was alive and safe and nothing would change that, not at the moment, not ever if he could help that.

James' hand rubbed the base of his neck, relieving the pressure. James was peering at him sleepily, the fever spark gone from his eyes, replaced with a cloudy sleepiness that Kendall had seen in his own reflection just a few hours ago.

"It's okay to cry, Kendall," James mumbled.

What scared Kendall the most was that James hadn't had nightmares at all yet, because the drugs they had him on prevented everything except sleeping. What really scared him was that he knew that those drugs wouldn't be available at home, and that James would undoubtedly have nightmares there. Kendall didn't want to see James crying into the sheets, not like after Wesley Doyle had attempted to-

Kendall cut off that train of thought right there, knowing it would only induce rage in his sleep-fogged mind. He wrapped his arms more tightly around James' waist, closed his eyes, and waited for the dawn.

* * *

**A/N so for the next chapter James is gonna go visit Logan! I'm already about a thousand words into it haha :) btw, I will explain Kendall's little thing he had to take care of soon. REVIEWS ARE LOVE! They also mean more kames. :D **


	4. Nightmare

**A/N so even though it's Friday night here and I just got off work… this chapter was done yesterday. So here's the next chapter!**

**I believe that Gustavo cares about his dogs. Because no matter how annoying, demanding or just plain ugly your dog is in the end, you love them anyway, right?**

**ALSO! This IS a companion fic to In Your Embrace. It's sort of a distant sequel :) that's what all the references are for! :D**

**The Cargan oneshot is coming… slowly. Im putting a lot of effort into it but writing Cargan doesn't come nearly as naturally as writing Kames does. I don't want it to be crap so I'm taking the time to make sure it's not. :)**

**LET THE CHAPTER BEGIN!**

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* * *

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"Are you tired yet?"

"I'm fine, Kendall."

"Alright," Kendall said as he wheeled James down the hallway. James looked awful, pasty from the lack of sunshine and feeble from the fever and blood loss. If Kendall looked hard enough, he could see the outline of bandages around James' thigh beneath his plain grey sweatpants.

James had been allowed out of bed on the condition that he didn't overexert himself and stayed in the wheelchair. Kendall was fine with enforcing that rule; James was shivering from the cold of the hospital despite the sweatpants and blue fleece sweatshirt Kendall had bundled him into. James hadn't seemed to mind Kendall dressing him at all; in fact, he seemed to enjoy Kendall's hands running up and down his sides, whereas Kendall had held back tears at the sight of James bruised and chafed from the seatbelt in the crash.

It had been five days since the crash. It was all over the news, and somehow, it had been hushed up that Big Time Rush had been involved at all, that Kendall had lost his head completely and run into the wreck screaming for James. How Gustavo had managed to keep it out of the news, Kendall didn't know, but he was grateful.

"I'm glad Gustavo kept this out of the news," Kendall said aloud.

"Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear," James said in surprise. "Look."

Kendall looked up to see Gustavo and Kelly heading towards them. Both looked extremely out of place in the hospital, where people dressed mostly in sweatpants and t-shirts with plain zip-up sweatshirts, because they were here to see the sick or dying mostly. Gustavo Rocque was wearing his baggy gray jeans, bright blue shoes and a violently purple sweatshirt with golden crowns on it, while Kelly was dressed as if heading to the set of a music video.

"Dogs!" Gustavo barked, and Kelly elbowed him harshly.

"I mean… sweet, innocent James and Kendall," Gustavo said, looking as if he'd never spoken fouler words. "How… are you?"

"I'm fine," Kendall said. "I wasn't in the wreck."

"And James?" Gustavo muttered.

"You don't have to get me put down, if that's what you're thinking," James said, evidently having an adverse reaction to Gustavo Rocque behaving in a civil manner towards him. "Why did you guys come here? Aren't you busy?"

Gustavo sighed. "We… came to see…"

He faltered and Kelly rolled her eyes.

"He means to say that he came to see if all of you were alright," she said. "It was his idea."

"Liar!" Gustavo yelled. Several doctors and nurses turned his way as his face went blotchy and red. "Nothing could be further from the truth!"

James laughed, and Kendall's opinion of Gustavo shot up a few notches. It had been hell trying to get James to laugh lately; with the removal of drugs to aid his boyfriend in sleeping, James had begun to toss and turn with nightmares, often waking up crying out for Kendall in the middle of the night. Kendall could only see it getting worse in the future.

"How are you, James?" Kelly asked.

"Okay. The stitches are itchy all the time, though."

"When will you dogs be able to perform again?" Gustavo demanded.

"Arf," Kendall commented dryly.

"Well," James said, "the doctor says I have to use crutches for a while. Logan will probably be in a wheelchair because he broke his arm and leg, and… well… we were on our way to see him now," James said, refusing to mention Carlos.

"What about Carlos?" Kelly asked.

"Carlos is in a coma," Kendall said softly.

Gustavo and Kelly didn't question them any further.

* * *

Logan looked up from his book – Lord of the Rings – when there was a knock.

"Come in," he called.

The door opened, and he was shocked to see James' smiling face. James looked sick, pale, not at all like his usual tan self. His hair was laying on his head in faint waves, and Logan knew he would have straightened it if given the chance. He found he liked it more when it was wavy.

"Hey, Logan," James said brightly.

"Hey," Kendall said, wheeling James in and positioning him so he could talk to Logan with relative ease. Logan saw bandages through the sweatpants James had on, and saw a butterfly bandage on his head, above the left eye.

"You look…"

"Terrible, I know. Kendall refuses to go get my tanning spray," James said, immediately starting to bristle. Kendall rolled his eyes but kneaded James' hand within his own with an indulgent smile. Logan felt a surge of bitterness.

_I loved him first._

_But I love Carlos!_

"Logan?" James asked.

"It's nothing," Logan said. "Guys, do you reckon after you're done here you could go check on Carlos for me? Nobody's telling me anything."

"Sure, but we just got here," Kendall said, who was giving him an odd, knowing look. Logan resisted the urge to stare at James wistfully; maybe this crush on James was just a silly little thing about looks but Logan knew, deep down, that that wasn't the case. Logan wanted to be able to do what Kendall was doing now, stroke James' back and have him snuggle into the touch.

"How are you, James?"

"My leg still hurts but the infection's gone." James shrugged and smiled. "I'm getting out of here tomorrow, supposedly. You?"

"I'm okay. It doesn't really hurt. The casts itch though."

Kendall was silent throughout their exchange, and suddenly, when Logan smiled at James, there was a flash of understanding, and then, what Logan feared the most, the hurt. Kendall's hand tightened around James' and he looked away suddenly.

"Kendall?"

"I just need some air."

"I – wait, I don't know how to-"

But Kendall was gone.

* * *

Logan still liked James.

Logan still liked James a lot.

Kendall understood where Logan was coming from, he really did. James was sweet and funny and, when he wasn't busy pretending to be an airhead, smart enough to get at least B's on most of his school work. James was everything.

James – and Kendall didn't care how childish it sounded – was his.

Kendall had been James' first. You couldn't get more… belongingness (which Kendall was sure wasn't a word) than being a person's first.

It wasn't so much the fact that Logan still liked James that bothered Kendall. No, what bothered Kendall was that Logan said he wanted to get over it and he was with Carlos and Carlos was in a coma and James was all scratched up from the wreck and Kendall didn't know what to do.

The door opened, and James gave him an indignant look.

"I had to open that door myself, you know, Kendall." But he wheeled himself over. "What's wrong?"

"Uh… I'll tell you later," Kendall stammered out. "Let's go back to Logan for now."

Not that that's where Kendall wanted to be. He wanted to be back home, in bed with James, on top of James, causing unspeakably sinful noises to be coming from those beautiful pale pink lips-

"Uh, Kendall?"

"Oh, shit."

"That looks like it could become a problem."

"Yeah."

* * *

"When did you get so good at this?" Kendall gasped.

James' eyes flicked up to him, but he continued to suck and lick at Kendall's hardened length as if it was some kind of rare, delicious, limited-edition lollipop.

Kendall's fingers knotted into James' hair as the latter did something so obscene with his tongue it caused Kendall to gasp and pull unnecessarily hard on James' naturally wavy hair. He got a sharp glare for it but James kept going, swirling his tongue around the head of Kendall's dick.

"James, I'm gonna-"

James nodded cheerfully, and Kendall came into his mouth. He saw James swallow and watched with heavily hooded eyes as James pulled away, wiping his lip and zipping up Kendall's jeans. He sat back in the wheelchair.

"I'm skilled, right?"

"Why didn't you tell me you could do that?"

James smiled wickedly. "You never asked."

"You're gonna kill me, James."

James smiled and Kendall pushed him back out into the hallway on weak, rubbery legs. Just as they were heading back to James' room – with James yawning widely and blinking his eyes frantically with exhaustion – Mrs. Knight rounded the corner.

"Carlos is awake!"

* * *

They were only allowed to stand outside the room Carlos was in. James leaned forward in his wheelchair eagerly, and it was all Kendall could do to hold him back with an arm braced across his chest. The excitement in James' eyes was almost a tangible emotion.

Mr. and Mrs. Garcia held one another, beaming down as Carlos appeared to come to. He rolled his head for a moment and James waved excitedly. Kendall, however, could see the fear and confusion on their friend's face, and realised – by the cold, heavy knot in his stomach, the same knot he'd had when James was hurt – that something was wrong.

"Alright, Carlos," the doctor's muffled voice said quietly. "I want you to try and move your legs."

There was a long pause and Kendall wanted to cover James' eyes, spare him what he knew was coming. The blankets that covered Carlos remained still, and Kendall put his arm around James' shoulders when the smile slipped off his boyfriend's face.

"Carlos? Move your legs."

"I am." Carlos' voice was fuzzy and weak with medication five times stronger than what James had been on. James, beside Kendall, gasped softly and put his hands over his mouth.

"Carlos…"

"What's wrong? Oh my God, why can't I move them?"

With that, Kendall stood and began to wheel James away, who was now curled in his wheelchair in shock. He had started to shiver and Kendall wanted to take him back to the room to rest, but James refused him.

"We have to tell Logan."

"It's not-"

"Nobody else will, Kendall."

* * *

"How's Carlos?"

Logan was looking at them with such an eager expression that James flinched, unable to tell him the truth. He was unable to tell Logan that Carlos couldn't feel his legs, that he couldn't even move them, that himself and Kendall hadn't stuck around long enough to figure out if Carlos' paralysed state was permanent or not.

"Guys," Logan said.

James looked away, out the window. Kendall rubbed his shoulders comfortingly.

"Um," he said.

"Just spit it out!"

"Well, he's awake," James said.

"Awake? Really? When can we see him?"

"We don't know if… we'll be able to very soon," Kendall forced out.

"What do you mean?" Logan stared at them, and Kendall recognized in his eyes what he had felt the night James returned home shivering and crying and refusing to be touched – he saw complete terror, confusion, the knowledge that you weren't there for someone when they needed you the most. Kendall knew that look. He felt it every day of his life for a month after James' return.

"Just tell me!"

"He can't feel his legs, Logan."

"Get out."

"What?"

James lifted his head, tears streaking his cheeks. "Logan-"

"I said get out. Both of you."

* * *

"_James, can you wriggle your toes for me?"_

"_Sure."_

_There was a pause and James wriggled his toes, feeling as if they were made of rubber. He was so tired and felt so sick and hazy. He didn't remember anything._

"_James."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Please wriggle your toes."_

"_I am wriggling my toes!" James struggled but the starched hospital sheets turned into sheets that were unwashed and yellowed with age and smelled like sex and seedy encounters and spilled alcohol. The pillow became a mattress._

"_You're not trying hard enough."_

_His feet were bound and James opened his eyes._

_Wesley Doyle's face smiled down at him, a hundred yellow, rotting teeth and foul breath. The dirty blonde hair flashed under the lights and he leaned down._

"_Be a good boy and wriggle for me, James."_

_

* * *

_

James woke with a gasp of air, grabbing at Kendall's arms around his neck. The neck of his hospital gown was soaked in a cold sweat, and he could feel himself shaking. His hands were icy and he rolled over, pressing closer to Kendall.

His thigh burned.

The pain came as a relief. His thigh burning meant he could feel everything below his waist, meant that he could still walk around and fool around with Kendall.

"James?" Kendall was wide awake suddenly. "Alright?"

"Nightmare," James murmured shakily against Kendall's t-shirt. He breathed in the smell – it smelled like warm, fresh sheets and the laundry detergent Mrs. Knight used and Kendall's aftershave. James would never get enough of that scent.

"What was it about?"

"Can we talk about it later?"

Kendall rubbed his outer thigh of his injured leg, soothing some of the pain from his inner thigh away. Kendall appeared to be going back to sleep but James wasn't sure, and he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Kendall's soft, supple lips.

"Every time I wake up from a nightmare, all I can think is… please let him be there when I open my eyes," James whispered, pressing yet another kiss to Kendall's forehead, and then his nose. "You're the only person who makes me feel safe."

Kendall smiled sleepily.

Life seemed to always be on the go for them, with recording and shooting music videos and plotting against Bitters and helping out all the Palm Woods kids who needed helping out and staying on top of their schoolwork. James didn't know if they were coming or going half the time.

That was why he lived for moments like this.

He lived for the moment where he would wake up in the middle of the night and he and Kendall would whisper words of endearment until one of them fell asleep. He lived for the quiet caress of the moonlight to light up Kendall's blonde hair, waited for the wind to stir up a few wispy strands of it. He waited for the quiet moments in the middle of the night when the only thing he heard was Kendall's breathing and, if he was close enough, Kendall's slow, steady heartbeat. From all the hockey, Kendall had the heart of an ox; even when James, Carlos and Logan were tired, Kendall was still ready to rush the ice.

Carlos wouldn't be able to rush the ice for a long time. Maybe not ever.

James kissed Kendall again to take his mind off things, well aware that he was no longer attached to the heart monitor.

"Go to sleep." But Kendall was smiling.

James tucked his head underneath Kendall's chin and inhaled that scent from his t-shirt again. Kendall wasn't even supposed to be here – he waited until the nursing staff left and would then sneak back into the room. He was gone by six in the morning, when the nurses did their rounds, and was back by seven, when the rounds stopped.

It was easier than going home. Kendall wouldn't get any rest at home, James decided.

He shut his eyes and let the moonlight play across his eyelids, and felt himself slowly sinking into warm darkness.

* * *

**A/N I love kames. Love love love kames. Okay, so next chapter James goes home and the boys get to see Carlos! :D**

**also, i know people would like to see Logan as James' friend, and it'll get to that point. I just know from experience that your first love can be almost impossible to let go of, even when you love someone else.**

**And… belongingness IS a word. When Microsoft didn't correct me I looked it up. Yeah.**

**Reviews are the sex!**


	5. Hope

**A/N the lack of reviews on this story is making me sad. :( thanks to everyone who did review, though!**

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"Do you need some help?"

"Yeah."

Kendall put his arm around James' waist and helped him into their bedroom. They had pushed their two king single beds together to form a large double, in case they wanted to sleep separately, but had made the bed with queen sheets. The sheets were dark red – not a colour either of them would normally choose, but the very first night Kendall and James had attempted sex in this bed with white sheets had resulted in a panic attack for James, remembering the seedy white sheets of the hotel.

The red sheets were cooler in summer and warm in winter, and James sank into them gratefully, yawning. His thigh burned and he heard Kendall shuffling around in the bathroom, coming back with a glass of water and a pill.

"Take this before you go to bed," he said softly.

James nodded and swallowed the pill, then lay his head down on the pillow, too exhausted to say any more. The rest of his night at the hospital had been plagued with nightmares and concern for Carlos – and even more so for Logan, who wasn't handling the news as well as James and Kendall had originally hoped.

He shook his head. Too much had happened. Too much, too fast.

* * *

_Kendall, Logan and Carlos quickly learned that pinning James down in the aftermath of his assault was an idea that was nearing the stupidity levels of putting a watermelon in a microwave. It was messy and took a while to clean up._

_James, after that first time with Kendall, refused to let himself be cornered or pinned in any way, shape or form; there was no playful wrestling on the ground or couch anymore, and no slamming him against the wall in hockey._

_Kendall had thought that initial first time with James had helped to heal him some, and though he knew deep down that it had, for a long time, James appeared to get worse, not better. It took Kendall a while to realise that James now despised being trapped like he had been by Wesley Doyle; pinning James to the couch, for the first two weeks after their first time, wasn't an option._

_He asked James about it, but James didn't have an answer for him either. He was even more confused than Kendall, Carlos and Logan about why he didn't let his friends pin him; he knew, logically, that they weren't going to hurt him and that he could throw any of them off with relative ease. He knew they would take care of him and be gentle, but his heart was warning him not to get too close. It was killing him that every time he pulled away from one of them, he saw the hurt flashing through their eyes and disappear as quickly as it had come; what hurt worse was seeing the rage bloom in Kendall's gaze, rage for a man who had touched James without consent. _

_Rage was never meant to belong in such an angelic face. _

_So one day, fed up with it all, he grabbed Carlos – the only one of his friends he truly understood his relationship and boundaries with – and asked Carlos to pin him to the couch. Carlos had of course been hesitant, hadn't wanted to inflict any harm._

"_I have to get over this," James said. "For everyone."_

_At first, Carlos just knelt over him with his knees gripping James' hips, and that was fine, even though the trembling had started. It was less fine when he instructed Carlos to pin his wrists. Before he knew it, there were tears sliding down his cheeks._

"_I'm sorry, James!"_

_If anything, it was Carlos' squeaky voice that reminded James that he was pinned beneath his best friend and not his would-be attacker, on the obscenely cheerful, orange couch in 2J and not on a hard mattress in a seedy hotel room._

"_Stay there, Carlos," he said shakily. "It's getting better."_

"_Kendall's gonna kill me!"_

"_No he won't."_

"_Why do you think you're so scared?"_

"_I don't know. I know that you guys aren't going to hurt me but I'm just so scared, all the time, of everything."_

"_Maybe Logan can fix you," Carlos said._

_James laughed, because only Carlos would say something like that. "Yeah. Maybe."_

_

* * *

_

Carlos wouldn't be able to pin James like that anymore, and James highly doubted that Logan could fix him. Wanting to get away from the negative thoughts – they couldn't be good for his complexion – he swung his legs out of bed. He gasped for a moment at the pain his stitches were causing him, and his leg burned and seared but he attempted to stand anyway, limping painfully into the living room.

Jo and Kendall were sitting across the table from one another. James didn't feel any worry; he knew Kendall loved him, and he knew that Jo would never hurt him like that. He limped over.

"Hey, James!" Jo stood up and hugged him. James smiled and hugged her back. He loved Kendall's hugs, but sometimes it was nice to have a girl in his arms, too. "How are you?"

"Stiff," he replied with a smile.

"Hey, James." Kendall stood up and kissed him softly. "Listen… I was thinking that maybe we could go see Carlos and Logan today. Mrs. Garcia called while you were asleep, she said he's been moved to a different ward and that he's allowed to have visitors."

"Okay," James said, trying not to let his fear show. "I'll go take a shower."

James disappeared, and Kendall sighed, dropping into his chair. Jo put a hand on his shoulder and looked at him sympathetically, seeming as worried about him as she was about James.

"He's not taking this well, is he?"

"Not really."

* * *

James was still limping badly and Kendall insisted that he used his crutches while walking around in the hospital, on the off chance that James' doctor would see them and scold him for not using them and hopping around on his injured leg.

When they arrived at Carlos' room, they could see the Latino boy sitting up, staring at the starched white sheets. Kendall knocked and although Carlos looked up, he didn't say anything. Kendall hesitated, then opened the door to let James through. James hopped in and abandoned his crutches once he was inside the door.

"Hey, guys," Carlos said.

Kendall didn't know what he had expected, but it wasn't for Carlos to say "hey, guys" like nothing at all was wrong. Then again, Kendall knew from his experience with James that covering up the hurt was easier than letting it show – for a month after James' assault, he had refused to acknowledge anything being wrong at all. It was also uncharacteristic of Carlos to say it so calmly, so formally, like they were strangers.

"Hi," James said, and promptly sat down.

"Has anyone told Logan that I…?"

"Yeah," Kendall said quietly, sitting next to James and putting his arm around James' shoulders. "Yeah, we told him."

"How did he take it?"

"Well, he kicked us out," James said.

There was a long silence, and James felt the tension in the room building like a water balloon about to burst; something had to give, one of them had to give, and James didn't know that he wouldn't be the first to crack under the pressure.

"The doctors say I could walk again," Carlos said.

"What?" Kendall snapped his head up so fast James thought he might have whiplash. Carlos nodded, but he was looking progressively more and more miserable.

"They don't know for sure. But if I ever wanna walk again I have to start from scratch. Someone would have to teach me."

"We'll do it!" James said excitedly. "Me and you and Logan can recover together."

"You know I remember the impact?" Carlos said, sounding so un-Carlos that Kendall thought maybe it was Logan and this was a twisted version of The Bodysnatchers. James was staring at Carlos like he was half-interested, half-afraid.

"I don't," James said.

Kendall shook his head. He didn't remember the impact, he wasn't there, but he remembered the fear that had coursed through his veins, wondering if James was alright. Now that he thought back to it he could hear the echoing cries of people trapped in wrecks as he raced forward to find James. The smash up had been so huge, so dangerous, that he was lucky his boyfriend was one of the thirteen – from fifty – to survive.

But all that blood.

Kendall would never forget the blood.

It wasn't like the blood on TV that looked thin like water and a dark maroon colour. James' blood had been thick, like just-setting jelly, and the brightest red Kendall had ever seen. It had surprised him by being sticky, clinging to his hands. It hadn't been isolated to one area; it was like as soon as Kendall touched it, it was EVERYWHERE, like a dam swelling to the rim and then bursting and flooding in every direction.

That was his boyfriend's life force, flowing out of broken skin as easily as water seeped out of a glass.

James had been delirious upon arriving at the hospital, deathly white and covered in a film of sticky sweat. The doctors said it was shock, said shock was normal for someone in James' physical and psychological state of mind, but Kendall wouldn't have a bar of it.

It couldn't be normal for a person to be in that amount of pain and be that scared and confused and survive, he didn't think. James had – but still awoke trembling from the nightmares he desperately tried to hide from Kendall. He heard James at night, sometimes, crying and whimpering in his sleep, and it was all he could do to soothe away the nightmares with a gentle touch or a kiss or, once, lulling James into sleep with a hand job.

"It'll be fine," he found himself saying. "We're all here for you. Logan just couldn't come because his leg and arm are broken."

"How are we going to make this work?" Carlos demanded angrily. "I can't even go to the bathroom by myself!"

"Neither can I," James said softly. It was true; other than the bathroom in 2J, James refused to be alone in the restrooms, always dragging one of them along to go with him – not into the stall, but just to stand inside. It was a necessary but small sacrifice Kendall had to make to keep his boyfriend sane and healthy.

"That's not your fault, James."

"And this isn't your fault," James said strongly. "We'll work through it together, Carlos, that's what we always do. We don't ever turn our back on our friends."

Carlos nodded, and, for the first time since they'd walked in, he smiled. It was only a small smile but it was something, at least. He grabbed James' hand, lying closest to him on the bed, and Kendall's hand in his other.

"Can you guys do me a favour?"

"Sure."

"Go get Logan and wheel him down here. I really want to talk to him. I really _need_ to talk to him. He's probably beating himself up right now about not noticing the crash and all that jazz."

"That would be a very Logan-ish thing to do," Kendall said.

* * *

Kendall and James left the room once they'd brought Logan down to see Carlos. Logan knew Carlos was paralysed, knew that he had to be in at least some pain from his other injuries, but Logan was excited anyway. This was Carlos, who he loved with everything he had to give and more. The less and less he saw James, the more and more Logan realised that loving James was a distant memory, one he would happily forget.

There would, he reflected, come a time when he could look at James and only see his best friend and not his old love interest. Although he hadn't reached that time yet, he was halfway there. And it felt excellent.

"Logan!" Carlos was smiling, beaming, really, from ear to ear, and the first thing Logan did was pull Carlos into a searing kiss. He was immediately embarrassed by his actions; Carlos, ninety percent of the time, was the one who initiated any intimate contact whatsoever. Logan felt his face go red but Carlos simply laughed and kissed him again.

"It's so good to see you!" Carlos said. "But I wish you hadn't broken so many bones. That's my job."

Logan leaned forward and kissed Carlos again, exhilarated that his boyfriend was alive, if not totally healthy. He took in the bruising on Carlos' face, the black eye on his left and the split lip and the gash on his cheek.

Seeing Carlos' angelic face made him want to hurt the man who had done this. It made his vision turn red and made him feel like he was floating, suspended, a few inches above the ground in his rage. It was so uncharacteristic of Logan that it made him flinch, and he rubbed his hand across Carlos' head smoothly, rubbing their noses together. In that moment, Logan forgot James, forgot he even really existed, and was aware only of Carlos' forehead against his. He stared into his boyfriend's deep brown eyes and felt peace that had eluded him since their arrival to the hospital. Carlos looked lost, scared, like he wasn't sure of his place in the world. Logan's heart ached - Carlos' place was with him.

"I promise," he said, "that you're going to walk again. And I'll be with you every step of the way."

* * *

**A/N there we have it. Some happy Logan/Carlos and some fluff and a little bit more information on the crash and the aftermath of In Your Embrace. **

**I'm working on a companion fic to In Your Embrace, too, a fluffy Kames what-if – what if Kendall had gone after James and found him drugged at the bar? I think it'll only be a oneshot.**

**Also, the Cargan fic is almost finished! Woot woot!**

**So, plz review :) the lack of reviews on the last chapter was discouraging, and I wondered if you'd all had other stuff to do (as everyone does) or whether it was just plain awful! There won't be so much emo from here on out, promise. **


	6. Stitches

**A/N SMUT! ;D AND OH MY GOD! DID ANYBODY ELSE REALISE THAT A KATIExJAMES FIC CAN BE KAMES AS WELL! THAT BLOWS MY MIND! But I've seen it called Jatie haha :D have I written that in an author's note before?**

**Anyway, thanks for the awesome reviews and I hope you like this chapter! I tried to make it a bit longer :)**

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* * *

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Getting his stitches removed didn't hurt.

James had been afraid that it would, that the thread sliding through his just-healing skin and tissue would cause him to cry – like he hadn't done enough of that already – or that he'd bleed more and pass out. Kendall hated seeing him in pain and that was James' reasoning behind going alone.

Kendall didn't need any more to deal with right now.

The doctor was the same one that had initially stitched him up; for that reason it wasn't as awkward as it could have been. The cut was in a area that was sensitive to James on so many levels – sensitive because of Wesley Doyle and sensitive because Kendall had a habit of biting him there when they were-

James cut off that train of thought.

The doctor asked him to strip to his boxers, and James did, propping his leg up on the table awkwardly. He must have looked scared, because the doctor smiled and patted his shoulder.

"It won't hurt, James. You'll feel a tugging sensation but it won't hurt."

"Okay."

The doctor cleaned the wound with antiseptic, and after that, James didn't see what he used because he closed his eyes. James had needles, despised them, a phobia that had been made worse with Dr. Hollywood and his giant allergy remedy.

He felt a tugging sensation and a hand bracing his thigh from the knee, and he wanted to push it off and flinch away. James hadn't completely healed from Wesley Doyle and he didn't think he would ever get rid of his nagging doubt that somewhere, deep down inside, every person wanted to hurt him, to touch him like that.

He was glad Kendall wasn't there. The way James was sitting right now, Kendall might just attack him and have his way with him. Over the last day, James had noticed more and more Kendall's growing frustration with their predicament; every time he lay on James on the couch, the stitches pulled, James would wince and Kendall would blurt out apologies and wait at his hand and foot for the rest of the night.

To be honest, James was frustrated too.

He missed having sex with Kendall and it was as simple as that. That was why he was having the stitches removed as quickly as was healthy. They had been in the better part of two weeks now – for his week at the hospital and the three days he'd been home, this being the eleventh day, and they were healing nicely. Therefore, James decided to have them removed.

He smiled to himself when he saw the stitches gone from his skin and pulled his jeans back on. He couldn't wait to tell Kendall.

* * *

_The hallways were echoing and quiet at this time of the day at the hospital, and Kendall used it to his advantage. He continued on up the stairs, not taking the elevator on the off chance that he may run into someone he recognized._

_He opened the door to the drunk driver's room. He had asked an unwitting nurse which room the man was in, and he soon discovered that the man was paralysed from the neck down._

_Kendall wasn't a malicious person. He would never wish pain on anybody – except Wesley Doyle and this man, the drunk driver, who had inflicted so much pain upon his friends. He thought of James, who was probably sleeping off the fever, of Logan, temporarily denied the use of his legs, of Logan, who had broken bones a would-be-doctor should never have, and he felt the blood simmering in his veins. This man deserved the permanent incapacitation of a broken neck._

"_Who are you?" the man asked._

"_Kendall Knight," he said. "My boyfriend was in the wreck you caused."_

_The grief and the shock that flitted across the man's face was almost incomprehensible to Kendall, who lost the heart to say the speech he had organized. Bits of it drifted through his head – you're worthless, you're scum, people died because of you. He was shocked by the man's next words._

"_Is your boyfriend alive?"_

"_Yes," Kendall said softly._

_A tear streaked the man's cheek, and he swallowed. "How is he?"_

"_He's pretty torn up. He lost a lot of blood in surgery, but he's going to be fine, once he kicks the infection he's been fighting. He's… just glad to be alive, really. Just glad that all of us are alive."_

"_A lot of people died in that wreck."_

"_Thirty seven of fifty one involved," Kendall said. "I know. My friend might be one of them. He's in a coma. They don't know when he'll wake up. He hit his head pretty hard."_

"_I never meant for this to happen."_

"_Well it did," Kendall pointed out._

"_Yeah. No kidding. I'm… never going to forgive myself for this. There was a little girl in that wreck. A little girl and a baby in the car beside me."_

_Kendall fled the room then, unable to handle the mounting tension and grief in the man's room. He collapsed in the hallway outside James' room, and, though unable to hear the words, he could hear the sound of his boyfriend's voice through the thin hospital walls. He listened intently, sighing shakily when he realised James sounded fine._

_He had never even figured out the man's name._

_

* * *

_

Kendall was frustrated.

Not in an emotional sense. In a physical sense. James' stitches had prevented them from making love for a week and four days now, and that was the longest Kendall had ever gone, since they got together, without sex.

It wasn't often that Kendall became irritated at something so trivial, but he'd grown very used to having James squirming and crying out his name over the past two and a half months. He'd grown used to that tight, clenching feeling around his dick, and more than anything, he'd grown used to hearing James' needy panting and sinfully hot whispers.

Kendall had grown used to having sex almost every night.

The door opened, and Kendall turned to find James walking in, looking pleased and wearing baggy jeans. "I got my stitches out!" he announced proudly.

"Really?"

"Yep! The doctor said I can do whatever I want now, and work up to some strenuous activity, so long as I don't do it often."

"Strenuous activity, huh?"

"Um, why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm not looking at you like anything."

"You look like a starving man at a buffet!"

Kendall cut off James' indignant protests by grabbing the collar of his sky blue, button up shirt and kissing him hard. It wasn't like the gentle, reassuring kisses Kendall had been offering James in the face of his injury; this was a kiss that clearly told James exactly what Kendall wanted and when he wanted it – now.

"_Oh_," James said, wide eyed.

Kendall pushed him back against the couch, thankful that in his case, at least, James didn't fear being pinned down anymore. He ran his hands up and down James' side through the shirt, traced the sweet cavern of James' mouth with his tongue and tugged his hair back.

James and Kendall had only behaved this way once with one another – after a long day of rehearsals, all their pent up anger and frustration came to a head, and what started as an argument turned into a rough bout of lovemaking. James could feel how hard Kendall was through Kendall's jeans, and he pushed his own hips upwards.

"Do you want me to fuck you?"

"_Yes_," James whined.

Kendall's hands ran up against his sides and he wasn't afraid. Kendall's hands were everywhere and Kendall felt that James wasn't wearing his usual wife beater beneath the blue shirt, and all that bare skin was slowly revealed as he hiked the shirt up around James' armpits and bent to suckle tenderly at one of his nipples.

James arched and moaned, scrabbling for purchase on Kendall's shoulders. Kendall tweaked lightly, teasingly, at James' other nipple, giving both equal attention.

"Kendall," James moaned, making a needy huffing sound with his teeth.

Kendall lifted James' shoulders and they tussled playfully on the way to the bedroom. James was panting into his mouth and Kendall could feel the heat from his cheeks.

When Kendall felt James' knee come up between his legs, he realised they weren't going to make it to the bedroom, not like this.

"Kendall," James gasped as Kendall slammed him against the wall. "Kendall."

"What's wrong?" Kendall barely stopped nibbling James' neck to answer his pleas, and James stared at his boyfriend through half-lidded eyes filled with lust and reddened cheeks. Kendall kissed him again, and then pulled back.

"Do you want me to fuck you here, against the wall?"

James let out a whimper as Kendall's hand came down upon his zip and unfastened the button holding his jeans together. He nodded and felt Kendall's hand slip into the back of his jeans, stroking James' ass through his boxers. James moaned and Kendall laid a kiss to James' collarbone, nipping it sweetly.

"Yes," James moaned.

Kendall made short work of his jeans and soon they were laying discarded in the corner, belt still wound through the belt loops.

He unbuttoned James' shirt, leaving it hanging open, James' torso exposed and glittering with sweat in the half-light coming from the living room of 2J. Next to go were the silky black boxers, flung across the room to land next to the orange couch. Kendall stared at James' member with admiration; he had never seen anybody so beautiful in his life.

"Kendall," James whined, prompting him to move forward. He pushed his fingers into James' mouth and felt James' tongue swirl around the digits, coating them liberally with saliva and turning Kendall on even more than he already was.

Yes, he had definitely missed this.

He slipped his index finger up inside James, earning a gratifying gasp of encouragement, and lightly brushed his boyfriend's prostate gland. James writhed and, to Kendall's shock, lifted both legs off the ground and wrapping them around Kendall's waist, forcing him to press James even harder into the wall to support him. There wasn't enough room to fit a credit card between them. He could feel that James was hard against his stomach and alternating between pushing down on Kendall's finger and up against Kendall's own stomach, looking for friction.

"Easy," Kendall purred, nibbling on James' jaw.

"Kendall!" James snapped.

Kendall smirked and scissored James, attempting to stretch him. Although he was desperate, nothing would make him desperate enough to hurt James, to want to hurt James. He would rather die than do that.

Kendall removed his fingers and pushed against James' slick entrance. There was a bang as James threw his head back into the wall with such force Kendall was vaguely surprised it didn't crack from the pressure.

He felt James' fingernails dig into his back and continued to push upwards until he was fully seated. James panted and Kendall swallowed the huffs of air with a bruising kiss; there would never be enough of James to satisfy him, not ever.

"Move," James moaned.

The moment Kendall pushed up again, it was like the outer world ceased to exist. In fact, Kendall and James ceased to exist; they were one in the same, both caught in the throes of passion, the only light streaming down on James' blue shirt from the kitchen light.

Kendall knew nothing except the wall he was resting one hand on, keeping himself upright, and James' body beneath him, around his painfully hard member. He could feel by the spasmodic clenching and relaxing of James that he was enjoying this.

"You're so tight," Kendall moaned.

"I missed you," James replied.

Kendall kissed him hard, his tongue slicing into James' mouth without hesitation and tracing the pearly white teeth. He picked up the pace.

To his shock, surprise, James pulled back and let out a cry. He continued to gasp and Kendall realised he had never seen James like this before, and with that realization came another – James must have been as deprived as he was.

James' cries increased in volume as Kendall pumped his hips harder and faster, wrapping a hand around James' dick and beginning to slick his hand up and down the length hard, but not roughly. James' thighs, toned and strong from so much dancing and hockey, clenched so tightly around Kendall's hips that he thought he might never get free.

He wasn't sure he wanted to.

"Kendall!" James whimpered. "I'm gonna-"

"I know, I know."

A thick rope of semen shot out from James' aching member, and Kendall felt him clench tightly. With that came his own release; he painted the inside of James with his seed, and James in turn felt the warm flow enter his body. His thighs trembled with the physical exertion that came with clinging to Kendall like a koala; without Kendall, he probably would have crumpled to the floor, but his blonde boyfriend was still holding him up.

James slowly became aware of his own harshly rasping breath leaving his lungs at a rapid rate; he released his hold and Kendall's back and leaned forward to rest his head on Kendall's left shoulder, sighing contentedly. Kendall's hand swiped through his hair lazily.

"I love you," Kendall panted.

"Me too," James murmured.

James felt Kendall's spunk slide down the inside of his thigh when he finally unlocked his legs and rested them shakily on the ground. He would be sore later, but he thought that maybe that was a good thing. It never hurt to be reminded that Kendall loved him.

Kendall rubbed his hands up and down James' sides under the blue shirt and smiled. It was the only thing still clean; he could see a trail of his seed snaking its way down James' inner thigh, and he wanted to do more unspeakable things, but his body wasn't agreeing with him. Right now, it was begging to be snuggled into bed with James, holding him, singing him to sleep.

Still, Kendall's body was owned by his mind. And his mind was ready for more.

"That was great," Kendall sighed.

James smiled as Kendall kissed him lazily.

"Yeah. I'm gonna shower."

Kendall smiled devilishly. "Wait for me."

* * *

Logan was sleeping.

That was a blessing, Carlos thought, staring down on his boyfriend lovingly and toying with his hair. He smoothed it down and then frizzed it up, continuing the pattern until Logan's hair stuck out every which way.

Carlos loved Logan's hair.

He was bitter for a moment. So many words went skittering across his mind, hiding in the dark corners of his consciousness. Cripple, freak, dependent, disabled, ramp, stop that, he can't walk, and Carlos shook his head and tried to be grateful.

The doctors said he could learn to walk again.

At least he wasn't like Logan, who had a broken arm and leg and who was still in vague pain and who'd received a concussion. At least Carlos hadn't lost the volumes of blood James had, hadn't crawled from the car and relied on a terrified Kendall to get him to safety. Which Kendall had. Kendall was good at doing stuff like that, protecting them.

Carlos couldn't recall a time when Kendall had been unable to fix anything. But the trouble was, Kendall didn't know he was capable.

More than anything, Carlos was thankful right then that he hadn't been Kendall. Kendall had seen the wreck, seen all of it, seen his friends bleeding and bruised and his boyfriend bleeding to death on the pavement, writhing with delirium on the way to the operating room and fighting infection and fever from the surgery. At least he hadn't had to sit beside his loved one and watch as his blood was transfused into theirs.

If it had been Logan, Carlos didn't know what he would have done.

Cried.

Screamed.

Begged Logan not to leave him, probably.

From what Carlos had managed to glean from his parents, James' parents and Mrs. Knight, James had lost so much blood on arrival at the hospital that he was barely able to hold himself together. He had been crying, apparently thrashing around and in pain, and Kendall, poor Kendall, had had to hold him down while the nurses and doctors sedated James for surgery.

Mrs. Mitchell said that, just between them, of course, there had been blood everywhere. James, despite Kendall's donation in the ambulance, had almost bled out all over Kendall himself on the way inside just because he was moving around so much.

Apparently, Kendall had been giving orders to the senior staff here. That made Carlos laugh a little. Sounded just like Kendall, barking out orders like this was Minnesota and he was the captain of the hockey team.

Carlos sobered.

He wouldn't play hockey for a long time.

He wouldn't go to the bathroom by himself.

He wouldn't be able to make love to Logan.

There were so many things he couldn't do but should be able to. So many things that he was just grateful he would eventually be able to do again. So many different things to be thankful for.

He was thankful Logan was alive, that Logan was relatively okay, that James was alright, that James hadn't lost his life after everything he'd already been through. He was so, so grateful that Kendall hadn't been in the wreck, that Kendall had pulled James out of the wreck, that Kendall had saved James. He was so happy.

Happy they were all still together.

Happy they were going to be okay.

* * *

**A/N for this chapter I actually looked up the time it takes for suture removal to be possible AND how it's done. I'm so dedicated. It took me forever! I had to through PAGES and PAGES of just utter CRAP that I didn't understand just to find a basic answer! **

**Okay. So in this chapter you got angst, smut, fluff, and a flashback! I think I did well. :P**

**And when I was writing the smut… I was listened to Chemical Rush by Brian McFadden, Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf, and Scream by BoA. :D **

**Did everyone **_**enjoy**_** the smut? :D**


	7. I've Got This Thing

**A/N thanks so much for all the beautiful reviews on the last chapter! :D**

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Carlos was home.

Carlos was home and he was miserable.

James knew because ever since his attack, he had spent a lot of time watching people. He had gotten to know his friends and boyfriend even better after he started observing their behaviour. Now James knew that when Kendall was embarrassed or feeling shy, he tugged on his left earlobe, and when Logan was stressed he nibbled the inside of his cheek, and that when Carlos was sad, he laughed more than he usually did.

Although he could move his legs, Carlos was struggling with doing, well, anything. He was ready to bite people's heads off – one minute he seemed fine, and the next, he was throwing something across the room. James hated it. He hated what the drunk driver had done to them.

He hated that Kendall paced at night when he thought James was sleeping. He hated that Logan was still hurting from his broken bones. He hated that Carlos couldn't walk.

He wouldn't tell any of them because they would yell at him – but James would trade places with any of them for an eternity if it meant one hour of their happiness.

But he wasn't sure they'd be any better off in his shoes. After all, they were all pretty miserable.

* * *

_Kendall soaped James' back in the shower, laid kisses across the beautiful golden shoulders and stroked James' hair until it got wet. Then he lathered it with James' shampoo and reveled in being the one who was even allowed to do that._

_But then it had happened._

_James had reached for the razor, getting ready to shave his stubble, and had nicked his finger. He watched as the blood bubbled to the tip and blinked at it._

"_James, oh my God, you're bleeding," Kendall's voice said beside him. The sight of the blood had made Kendall pale and his eyes were wide and, to James' alarm, shining with tears. He didn't understand why the tiny cut was making Kendall act like this but allowed Kendall to cover it with a bandaid._

"_Kendall?"_

_Kendall sighed shakily._

"_Sorry, James."_

"_You don't need to apologise." James pulled on his sweatpants, wincing a little. "But why did you…?"_

"_James, two weeks ago you almost bled to death in front of me. I just don't like seeing your blood, okay?"_

"_Okay," James said simply._

"_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped." Kendall kissed his fingertip. "I always dream about it," he said. "I'll never… sometimes I wake up and I could swear that I still have your blood all over my hands and shirt. I swear that I can still smell it when you're sleeping and I'm by myself."_

"_Kendall," James said, stunned._

"_I know. It's stupid."_

"_Only as stupid as making you come to the bathroom with me," James said heatedly. "And in your words, that's not stupid at all. It's not stupid to be scared for me, Kendall. I don't remember that night, I don't have anything to be scared of. You do."_

_Kendall wrapped his arms around James' waist and pulled him closer, kissing James' chin. "I know."_

_They stood like that for a long time, Kendall marveling at the sight of James' creamy, tan, clean skin._

_

* * *

_

Yeah, things had changed, James decided.

"Do you need anything?" he heard Logan ask Carlos.

"I'm fine, Logie. You should sit down. What about your leg?"

"It's fine, Carlos." Logan had been limping around stiffly on his injured leg, catering to all of Carlos' needs which, to be honest, were few and far between. He seemed fine so long as he had access to chocolate milk and cartoons.

James jumped when Kendall's hands slid around his waist, and he smiled. Kendall pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, then rested his forehead there. James felt the soft, silky strands of Kendall's blonde hair brush against it, and he turned, wanting to feel them under his hands as well.

Just as Kendall was leaning up to kiss him, there was a ground-breaking smash from the living room. James and Kendall hurried out to find a glass shattered on the floor and chocolate milk spreading rapidly across the floorboards.

Tensions in 2J had been rapidly rising since about a day ago, about three days after Carlos got home. Carlos wasn't a person who liked people to do things for him; he was someone who, no matter what, liked to do it himself. Logan was a person who liked to help… all the time. James was a non-confrontational person, so the bickering that had been going on between the two had been stressing him out as well, and Kendall was stressed because James was stressed.

Disability – Kendall loathed the word – didn't just affect the disabled person. It affected everyone in the household as well.

"I'll get it," James mumbled, hurrying for a cloth to avoid the mounting tension. Kendall stayed where he was, watching, waiting for everything to blow up in their faces, thinking every second _oh God this is it they're going to fight,_ and the knot in his stomach never lessened, not once. He almost wished, for one stupid blind second, that he had been in the wreck with them and knew what they were feeling, all of them.

He didn't know what to do. And Kendall knight always knew what to do. He had known what to do when James had almost been raped, had known what to do to calm him in getting him out of the wreck, known what to say to stop Logan completely flying off the handle. And yet, when it came to a simple lover's tussle, he had no idea what to do. Because he didn't know everything there was to this, didn't know how long Logan and Carlos might have been arguing over the strain of all this crap that had happened to them lately, didn't know what either one of them was feeling because he was so intent on getting James (and, being honest) himself through the nightmares that plagued them almost every night.

He was focused on curling his body around James' and squeezing him tight, growing accustomed to rubbing James' thigh to sleep just to get him through those horrible black patches of memory that threatened to cause any sort of mental ailment.

Kendall was getting used to making sacrifices in the name of the one he loved. For a moment, he felt a surge of bitter rage swell up inside him, the urge to go to the hospital and smother the drunk driver almost overwhelming, but in the same instant, James had reappeared, holding a sponge and towel and heading to the spill of chocolate milk.

All Kendall's angsting came back to a glass of chocolate milk.

"I can do it, James," Carlos said.

"I uh…"

"I was the one who dropped the glass, so I can do it." He grabbed the cloth and leaned forward to try and mop up the milk. Kendall wanted to turn away. He wanted to shield himself from what was going to happen next, but some part of him, some masochistic part, told him to continue watching, like some kind of invisible voyeur in Carlos and Logan's private life.

"Carlos, you can't-"

"Stop it, Logan."

"Stop what?"

"Stop being my nursemaid. I can do it myself."

The chair tilted and James managed to catch Carlos before he toppled out and onto the spill and the floor, stopped him from tumbling into a sea of humiliation and rage and regret and fear.

"I've got him, James."

James watched worriedly as Logan helped Carlos back into the chair. Carlos turned away from all of them, away from his failed attempt at cleaning the milk.

It was just milk, Kendall thought. When had it become so freaking significant? What did it matter who mopped up the milk?

"Carlos, listen, you're not ready to-"

"Not ready to what, Logan? Not ready to walk again? Not ready to look after myself again? Not ready to what? In your eyes I'll probably never be ready! All of you will always want to shelter me, even after I'm better, because I'm the baby of the group, right?"

"What?" Kendall demanded. "You're not a baby!"

"Or maybe you'll treat me like glass, Logan, like Kendall does to James! Treats him like he needs to be wrapped in bubble wrap and cotton wool and hidden away from the world because he's not tough enough to defend himself! You can't defend him forever, Kendall!"

"I never thought of James that way," Kendall snapped. "I love him and I would die for him, any time, anywhere. I treat him carefully because in case you haven't noticed, nobody else does! I want him to know that I love him."

James offered him a shy smile.

"If you hadn't been so insensitive on the night he-"

"Don't go there," James warned. "It wasn't Kendall's fault. It was mine. I went out there and I got myself into trouble, like always, and Kendall…" James faded out, and Kendall could tell he was sinking into memories.

"It wasn't his fault," James finalized.

"It was all our faults," Carlos snapped. "None of us stopped you going."

James shook his head and walked out then, with Kendall following. Evidently, they thought the argument, such as it was, was over, thinking that Carlos had blown off enough steam to last him quite a while.

Logan appeared to wake up at that moment; he limped forward, kneeling in front of Carlos' wheelchair. He knew he was going to be yelled at, knew it was going to hurt.

Didn't care.

"Why are you being so angry?" Logan demanded of Carlos, feeling like he was on the verge of tears – and embarrassed. Kendall and James were in the kitchen, clattering around and trying to pretend they couldn't hear. It was mortifying to know that he was about to be yelled at in front of his best friends like a child who'd done something wrong.

Carlos threw down the remote; the back exploded and the batteries came rolling out. James, in the kitchen, jumped about a foot in the air; Kendall rushed out to see what was going on.

"I'm angry because I've got this thing!" Carlos yelled. "I've got this thing and it's called a disability, and no matter what there's nothing I can do RIGHT NOW to rip it out or scrub it clean! I've got this thing and it's called a disability and because of it I can't even hug my boyfriend properly! I've got this thing and every time I look at James and Kendall I see what I should be able to do with you!"

"Carlos, it doesn't matter-"

"It does to me! Maybe you'd be happy like this with all your books! Maybe James would be happy so long as he had Pop Tiger! Maybe Kendall would be happy if he could watch hockey all day! But there's nothing I can do to be happy about this!"

"I'd never be happy like that," James said quietly, just to break the silence that had descended upon them like a dark cloud and to take the attention off Logan, who looked like he was going to cry.

"This isn't about you, James," Carlos said.

"Hey," Kendall snapped. "He was just trying to help, Carlos. He was just pointing out that none of us would be happy in your position."

"In my position, Kendall?"

Kendall opened his mouth to retort, hot-headed and ready to argue, but James grabbed his arm. "Don't," he said softly. "Let's just… leave them to it."

"Logan?" Kendall asked. "Will you be okay here?"

Logan nodded and sank onto the couch. "You guys go."

It wasn't a request. It was an order.

* * *

James and Kendall surfaced on the rooftop, feeling the wind blow across their faces and through their hair. James shivered and Kendall wrapped his arms around him.

They stared out at the sunset for a long time, watching, waiting, for a sign that it would soon be better, that everything was going to come back together and they would be Big Time Rush, four hockey players from Minnesota, four best friends, and be okay.

"I almost wish I had been there," Kendall mumbled.

James jerked like someone had stabbed him and turned to face Kendall, eyes wide. "What?" he stammered.

"If I'd been in the wreck," Kendall mumbled, "I might actually know what all of you are going through, not just be floating around waiting for any of you to break down and begin to cry. If I'd been there… maybe…"

"If you'd been there," James said, "in the wreck, I wouldn't have gotten out of the van, and I wouldn't have made it to the hospital. You saved my life, Kendall. If you'd been there I'd probably be dead right now."

"Don't say that," Kendall snapped.

"Sorry," James said. "Just putting it in perspective, that's all."

Kendall looked at James and leaned over, kissing him deeply. James' fingers knotted into his hair, and Kendall leaned their foreheads together.

"I love you," he said. "I am so in love with you. And I would… I would do anything, I would be anything, if it meant making you smile for just a second longer."

James smiled a watery smile at him. "Same here."

The sun was setting.

* * *

**A/N okay, guys… I really struggled with this chapter. I mean, I really, really struggled. I think it's crap because I wanted Carlos to be all ponies-and-sunshine but in his position not many people would be like that. So I'm keepin' it real. Also, there's been a lot going on lately, so it's been hard to update. School, friends, job, family, etc. **

**Sorry for the late update and sorry for the super short chapter. I'm working on another chapter story as we speak and I'm putting a lot into that.**

**My soundtrack was "Closing In" by Imogen Heap, "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay, "Gabriel" by Lamb, and "Till the Clouds Clear" also by Lamb. I don't know if any of you guys even look this up, but even if there's one person who does, it's worth it. **

**Review? :)**


	8. Breaking Point

**A/N I LOVE YOU ALL!**

**Emily – how did you know that's what was gonna happen? :D it makes me so happy! All your reviews made me so happy. I worked really hard on this one, I even put aside my own writing to do it! And, if I don't update… I'm just lazy. I've started school holidays!**

**ENJOY THE CHAPTER! Lots of Cargan angst! I don't know, I suddenly put on my cargan hat today. the angst is probably the last of it – things go up from here!**

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"James?"

James jumped and turned to find Logan standing in the doorway. He smiled. "Hey, Logie-bear. What's up?"

"I need your advice. Sort of."

"Shoot," James said, confused.

"If you're ever upset, or confused, or anything like that… what's the one thing that Kendall can say to you to make it better?" Logan asked him quietly. James realised straight away that this was about Carlos and Carlos only, and really had nothing to do with James at all.

"Um," James said, scratching his hair and suddenly bashful, "He just repeats "I've got you" over and over again. It really helps. I'm never as scared after a nightmare if I know I'm gonna wake up in Kendall's arms, you know what I mean?"

"Not really," Logan said.

"Tell him you love him, Logan," James said. "Love never fails."

"Alright then, Confucius."

"I was trying to have a deep and meaningful then, and you ruined it. I was having a moment. You plus moment equals BOOM, moment gone." Logan jumped when James yelled "Boom" but couldn't help but laugh.

"Okay. I'll tell him."

"Good. Go forth and… don't multiply I guess."

There were many things in life Logan would never understand. James was one of them.

* * *

A week turned into three quickly.

James stopped limping so much and Kendall stopped looking like he was going to faint every time James picked up a sharp object. The tension in the apartment continued to mount, but both Kendall and James found ways to deal with it; Kendall listened to hockey radio broadcasts and James started a blog. Even though Kendall had no idea what James was talking about when he mentioned HTMLs and sidebars and RSS feeds, he was happy James was happy. He even created his own profile so he could read it and subscribe.

James was a good writer.

However, Logan and Carlos found the pressure, the tension, inescapable. Seeing James and Kendall do what James and Kendall did – that is, love each other openly – only set off a whole new string of disagreements between Logan and Carlos. Logan knew that James and Kendall were pulling their heads in, not being quite as loving around them as they could have been, not as loving as they were just over a month ago. It killed him to know that his and Carlos' problems were affecting his friends in such a way.

Still, right now, they looked perfectly happy, lying entangled in each other on the couch. Kendall was on the outer edge and James on the inner edge, with James leaning his head back against Kendall's bicep, trusting the blonde to keep his head supported. Logan was amazed that with all James had been through, he still allowed Kendall to hold him like that, hold him in a way that could mean serious injury to his neck and spine if Kendall dropped him.

He looked away when Kendall's hand crawled up James' calf and then thigh. He didn't want to invade their privacy, and he didn't want to be reminded of what he and Carlos couldn't do anymore, what they hadn't done for weeks. Logan was frustrated. Incredibly frustrated. Frustrated with himself because he wasn't being as understanding as he could be, with Carlos for not trying harder, with James and Kendall for making relationships look so damn easy. It didn't matter what had happened or how distraught James had been after his assault and after the wreck, Kendall had always said the right thing, brought him back from the brink, and for that, Logan hated him.

He hadn't said the right thing to Carlos.

He hadn't said anything at all. He and Carlos weren't exactly on speaking terms right now.

Carlos wheeled himself into the kitchen right then. His biceps were getting bigger, which Logan admired, from all the wheeling around everywhere. Of course, Logan was confused. He wanted to touch Carlos, to tell him how much he loved him, but Carlos jerked away whenever he came close. He didn't flinch away like James did from an unfamiliar touch, unconsciously and reflexively – he chose to remove himself from Logan's presence.

And it hurt.

Logan hated hurting. He thought that getting over James meant putting an end to it – but it only started a whole new kind, of loving someone and them loving you back and both knowing but both too afraid to say or do anything in case it was the wrong thing.

"Love you," Kendall murmured to James.

"Love you too."

_At least they aren't like last night,_ Logan thought with a sigh_. Last night they were doing that stupid I-love-you-more crap_.

Still, he had to admit that it was sweet. In a sickening sort of way.

He decided to bite the bullet and went over to Carlos slowly. James and Kendall surfaced from their own personal bubble and gave him a cursory glance, then got wrapped up in one another again. In way, Logan was thankful. He didn't want them to witness this.

"Hey, Carlos?" he asked, and he hated that his voice cracked like it did, so afraid and young and unsure.

"What."

"Do you wanna watch a movie?"

"James and Kendall have occupied the couch."

James bounded up with such energy that Kendall jumped with fright. "We'll move!" James announced, grabbing at Kendall's hands and pulling him upright. "We'll go down to the lobby and scar Bitters."

And with that, they were gone.

"He's a real whirlwind sometimes," Logan said.

Carlos wheeled out of the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" Logan asked, sounding pathetic even in his own ears. He followed Carlos like a puppy. "Do you… you know, wanna watch a movie?"

"No, Logan."

"Why not…?" Logan's voice trailed away into nothingness. He had never been assertive, especially not when it came to his friends. He didn't know how to tell any of them no – not that they often put him in that situation.

"Because I don't want to, Logan. I just want to finish the book I'm reading."

Logan felt tears sting his eyes. "But I haven't seen you," he said, voice breaking. "I haven't seen you in so long, Carlos. I miss you."

"And I miss walking."

"I'll help you, Carlos, please, I swear, you can be walking again by next month… please, Carlos, please… don't do this to me…" Logan rubbed his eyes on his sleeve. "Don't do this to yourself, don't do this to us."

"I'm not doing anything to anyone! If you're in so much goddamn pain why don't you just break up with me already? I'm sure there's someone else around the Palm Woods that would be willing to have you, they stare at you enough!"

"This isn't about anyone else!" Logan yelled back. "This is about you!"

"So it's my fault?"

"No! I want you to get better!"

"Well I'm not ready."

"What?"

"I said I'm not ready, Logan! Now just leave me alone!"

Carlos wheeled out, and Logan sank to his knees, sobs ripping his chest open. He could remember a time when Carlos would have been at his side in an instant. Now Carlos didn't seem to care at all that Logan was sobbing in the kitchen, that Logan was in pain. He didn't seem to care that he was the cause, either.

* * *

Behind the door to 2J, Kendall and James had heard every word that Carlos and Logan had yelled at one another. James was wide eyed, while Kendall was frowning.

"Wow," James whispered. "I didn't know it was so bad."

"Me neither. We've gotta do something, James, this is tearing them apart."

"What, though?"

Kendall thought for a moment, then turned to James and smiled wickedly. "I have the perfect idea. You're gonna have to go along with it, though, and we're gonna need some really good acting skills… where's Camille? We need a makeup artist."

* * *

Logan and Carlos were sitting at opposite ends of the living room when it happened.

The door to 2J slammed open, banging against the wall, and James stalked through, eyes streaming with tears and hair messy. Both Carlos and Logan felt their jaws drop; there was a livid bruise on James' cheek in the shape of a hand.

"James, wait!"

James whirled, and Logan had never seen him look so furious and so utterly destroyed. "NO!" James screamed at Kendall, who had just come through the doorway. "I'm not waiting for you, Kendall Knight!"

"Don't be such a goddamn baby!" Kendall snapped, grabbing James' wrist. "It's not like it was hard! Jesus, you're pathetic! All you ever do is whine and complain and expect me to look after you! I'm so sick of it, James I'm-so-much-better-than-everyone-else, holier-than-thou Diamond! I'm sick of all this shit!"

"Kendall!" Carlos yelped. "What's wrong with you?"

"Yeah?" James yelled back. "Well if you're so sick of me maybe you and Logan should swap rooms! Maybe then you'll realise how much you need me to function, Kendall! You always need something, someone, to control, and it's getting ridiculous! I'm not anybody's possession!"

"Guys, what happened?" Logan demanded.

James whirled on him then, eyes still filled with tears. "He hit me!" James yelled. "Accused me of cheating."

"Well if you weren't all over that stupid manwhore-"

"You're such a bullshit artist, Kendall!"

"He hit you?" Carlos demanded. Neither Carlos nor Logan believed it to be possible, but neither had seen James cry like this before, so brokenly and in such a defeated manner, face wet with tears and red from yelling and hair mussed to the extreme, with that big handprint across his face.

"Yeah," James whimpered out. "Yeah, he hit me. And I still haven't figured out why."

"Kendall!" Logan exploded. "How could you go and do something like that? You know how much James needs support!"

"Bullshit, he can do it himself!"

"Sorry, man, but Logan's right on this one," Carlos said, wheeling himself forward and taking his place next to Logan. "You don't hit people you love."

"Pfft," Kendall scoffed.

"Carlos is right. When you love someone you should be gentle, not rough, and understanding even when it's almost impossible. You need to…"

Logan trailed off.

"Being in love is getting up every morning even when you want to sink into the mattress and die," Carlos continued. "It's when there's something driving every single thought and action. It's loving someone even…"

"It's loving someone even when they don't seem to love you back. Even when it hurts and you think that you can't possibly be what you want them to be," Logan said softly. Carlos stared up at him, eyes flashing and dangerously wet under the lights. Logan knelt down.

"I'm sorry," Carlos whispered. "For everything."

"Me too," Logan said.

Carlos leaned up and kissed him. Then they both turned, wanting to continue yelling at Kendall, and were shocked by what they saw.

"Help me get this off," James complained.

"I am." Kendall was smiling tenderly, wiping at James' face with a warm cloth in one hand and using his other to dab at James' red eyes. Carlos and Logan stared at them, mouths agape, as they kissed lightly and then embraced.

"James!" Logan yelled. "You can't just forgive him!"

"What is going on?" Carlos yelped.

Kendall laughed then and held up the towel – which had turned purple. James' cheeks were clear and healthy looking, his eyes no longer red and puffy but laughing. He looked almost back to normal, other than the hair.

"We were never fighting," James explained.

"We had to get you guys back together somehow," Kendall said. "And we knew that if you thought I'd hit James you'd both take his side and realise how much you mean to one another."

"You mean…"

"The whole thing was scripted," James said. "Camille did my makeup. She's pretty good."

"You never…?"

"Kendall would never hurt me. I know that. But we figured with you guys fighting so much, you would be looking for someone to take your anger out on."

"I'm so self sacrificing," Kendall said, sighing dramatically.

"Oh baby," James cooed soothingly, pressing a kiss to Kendall's cheek.

"So… you faked the whole thing?"

"Yeah. So that you guys will get back together, yeah."

"Normally I'd hate you for something like this," Logan said.

"Yeah?"

"But I don't this time. Carlos?"

"Me neither."

* * *

**A/N so next chapter Carlos is going to be taking baby steps BOOYAH! What would you guys like to see in the next chapter?**


	9. When The World Stops

**A/N so, how about that plagiarism? It's happening again, folks. But rather than bitch about that, I instead take my hat off to you. Thank you for all your fantastic reviews and I'm sorry for this chapter – I seriously had nowhere to go with it, so this is the end. I'm sorry for the wait, too. **

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Carlos rested his hands steadily on the arms of his wheelchair, which was locked in place, and began to feebly push himself upright. Logan stood a few feet away from him, beaming from ear to ear as Carlos managed to stand.

"Easy does it, Carlos," Logan said.

Carlos reached out and grabbed Logan's outstretched hand to steady himself, then grabbed the second. "Don't let me go," he whispered, so scared of falling it wasn't funny. There had been a time when falling and Carlos had been synonyms for one another, but not anymore. Now it was the thing he feared most in the world.

"I won't. I won't let you go. Steady, Carlos, you're doing great."

Carlos slid one foot shakily, then the other. Every step he took was another step closer to Logan, who he'd wanted to touch and love for so long. Every step closer brought his boyfriend closer into definition, with Carlos being able to see tears glittering in Logan's eyes.

"Don't cry, Logie."

"I can't help it."

Carlos took the last step and stood even with Carlos, still gripping both his hands like Logan was the lifeline back to a world where he could run and jump and make love to his wonderful boyfriend. He beamed, feeling on top of the world. The task of standing, once so simple and easy, was now a barrier to be conquered every day to regain his strength, and he'd done it today. He stood up, he took four steps. It felt amazing.

"You did it."

Logan kissed him deep and tender and Carlos thought he might die and go to heaven right then. But it didn't hold meaning; Carlos finally understood Kendall's protective, possessive urges over James, James' little quirks when it came to Kendall and where he sat.

Carlos didn't want to go to heaven if Logan wasn't right there with him.

* * *

Logan and Carlos awoke that night to the soft sound of a ballad coming through the speakers in the lounge room. Carlos' eyes were curious, and Logan got up to see what the noise was; he didn't know who would be playing music this late.

He smiled.

James and Kendall, still dressed in their pyjamas, were swaying gently around the living room. Kendall, Logan noted with amusement, was attempting to lead, even though James was a few decent inches taller. He had his head on Kendall's shoulder and was smiling softly.

"Carlos," he whispered. "Look at this."

Carlos was already in his wheelchair and wheeled himself over, staring at their two best friends. "They look so happy together," he said.

"They are. I think they've always belonged to one another, in a way."

Carlos chewed his lip quietly, then looked up at Logan uncertainly, wrapping his arm around Logan's waist. "Do you still think about James like that?" he queried quietly. "Do you still wish it was you who was holding him like that?"

Logan knelt, crossing his arms across Carlos' knees. "James is my best friend," he said. "Nothing more. Nothing less. I might've loved him once but I don't anymore. I love you, Carlos. I love you and your beautiful soul."

He wiped away the tear that snaked down Carlos' cheek. Then he stood.

"You wanna dance?"

"Logan, I can barely stand."

"Lean on me. Stand on my toes. C'mon, Carlos, I wanna dance."

Carlos smiled, a fragile thing that was easily broken – but easily strengthened too. He reached up, and Logan took his hands, slinging Carlos' arms around his shoulders.

The room was dark. The only thing that could be seen was the flash of Carlos' eyes. It was a magical thing, feeling that it was only him and Carlos and that the rest of the world was still sleeping. They were missing this, missing something special. They were missing two people coming together and unraveling one another and seeing one another as if for the first time.

Logan finally understood what he saw when James looked at Kendall. He understood that Kendall was James' pillar, something he would give anything to protect. He understood that Kendall was a security blanket, something to keep him safe.

Logan thought it wasn't like any soap opera he'd ever seen. They didn't come together with a resounding crash that the rest of the world could see, and nobody applauded them for fighting as hard and as far together as they had.

No, they came together with a gentle kiss and a slow dance, Carlos standing on Logan's toes and looking scared.

"I'm gonna fall."

"You're not gonna fall. I won't drop you." Logan remembered Kendall saying something along those lines to James whenever the nightmares hit; he would lay there, stroke James' thigh, and whisper "I've got you" until the shaking stopped and James fell back into a restless sleep. Logan had sat up watching them many nights; after James had stopped taking medication for his legs, there had been a brief reprieve in which he slept soundly for two nights – and then the nightmares had started. It was the same with Carlos. Except Logan would rather see Carlos thrashing around, because that would mean he could move his legs.

He thought it was ironic that James was facing debilitating mental issues with the amount of stuff he'd been through, but Carlos was facing physical issues. James had always been more prone to taking criticism seriously than any of the others; that, he thought, might have been his older brother's influence.

"What are you thinking, Logie?"

"I'm thinking James and Kendall are perfect for each other. What do you think?"

"I think so."

They paused in their own dancing to watch Kendall spin James under his arm with difficulty. James wasn't getting any shorter – and Kendall wasn't getting any taller, Logan reflected with amusement.

"I'm glad I've got you, Logie."

"So am I, Carlos."

"You're glad you've got yourself?"

"No! That came out wrong. Let's keep dancing, Carlos."

"How am I gonna repay you for this?"

"You don't have to repay me. In fact, please don't."

"I could repay you in sexual favors."

"On second thought, I think you're gonna be permanently in debt."

They smiled at each other and laughed at James' stricken look. He'd obviously overheard, while Kendall had simply facepalmed. Logan realised that Carlos had continued to sway even as Logan had stopped. He felt tears in his eyes and turned to the window.

The sun was coming up.

_Don't wanna cry for you_

_But there's nothing left to lose_

_If it can make me feel better_

_Then I'm gonna cry, cry for you_

_Don't wanna cry for you_

_But there's nothing left to do_

_So I'm gonna cry, cry for you._

_

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**A/N this chapter was just shitty. I've had a tough time with friends at the moment and I've had no motivation at all. I haven't been writing at all, which is weird for me.**

**Anyway, thanks so much to everyone who read this story, thanks so much for your reviews and favourites and alerts! It makes me feel awesome. I'm sorry this chapter was such a let down!**

**BTW, this is the last chapter.**


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